All change please...

Forgive me dear cyberspace (for I have no idea how many I impact with this) for my disappearance for so long - I have been literally inundated with NO e-mails begging for my return.

A lot has changed - for a start I jacked in the bank and am now working for TfL which for those of you outside the Metropolis (including me until 4 days before I started the job) stands for Transport for London. Yes; you complain - I answer, It's that simple.

Things between MCM and I have mellowed and we are good friends and united as parents to MLA who continues to shine like the brightest star in the cosmos. She really is the best thing I ever did.

Now then, during my absence I did start seeing someone - shes very sweet and lovely and we had a nice time.....but something didn't quite 'click' so invariably we split - or did we? You see we still and did speak everyday on the phone. We did continue to (ahem) keep each other warm some nights (blushes knowingly) but to all intents and purposes we were NOT together. Now this seemed OK as I've always wanted a willingness for the female party to at some point bear a child with me. This person categorically doesn't want to. Not just with me - but with anyone. So brick wall #1, next we had a HUGE row over the creationism debate Vs evolution, turns out she found God (he was down the back of the radiator with the sock you've always wondered where it went to was) and personally I'm happy to leave him where he is until that plane I'm on suddenly stops being that plane I'm on if you catch my drift.

However, and it's quite a big 'however.' She's putting me up following my whirlwind move to London - bless her.

There's a lot more I feel I need to let you know but right now I'm not really in the right frame of mind so I thought I'd just check-in, bring you albeit a little hap-hazardly up to speed and let you know that I'm not dead.

I will be scribbling soon though as there's sooooooooooooooo much I need to get off my chest and shrinks are far more expensive than blogging......

Knight to Queens Rook 3

What a tumultuous weekend.

This weekend I spent in the capital trying to see my daughter but because MCM decided that I need to fill in a form in triplicate and submit it for consideration a decade before I can actually arrange anything. This weekend was a bit of a lastminute.com affair with me only knowing 100% that I was going to make the trip on Thursday. I tried to let her know and got nothing but an answer machine, as I did on Friday....and Saturday. A red mist descends. I'm bloody furious as clearly she's done this out of sheer bloody mindedness as she KNOWS that I am coming and she certainly knows how difficult it is for me to just come up. Things take planning and more importantly - money.

The funding sourced it was all systems go, and yet, it was all stop. I stand in the street clenching and un-clenching my fists. I go to see her sister and get the kind of reception Hitler would get in Golders Green. OK, so that's how things are, I see. Well, never mind, you've clearly forgotten all the things I've done for you and the times I've bailed you out when you were stuck, but fine that's how it is. I retire to South-West burbs and meet up with my sister. I tell the story and she tells me a story and after toying with idea of Tesco's we both agree to say sod it and go to the pub - it is 4 pm.

My sister has certain things she is wrestling with and tells me about them and I offer what advice I can. We eat and drink and drink some more and then it would be rude to sit in a pub and not drink so we decide to have another drink. It's funny how 11 o'clock creeps up on you isn't it??

We return to her house after I have thought that its a REALLY good idea to text the heavenly body and tell her I love her. It's weird but as merry as I was I still felt totally compus mentus. I had to tell her and I'm glad I did but wasn't at all surprised I didn't receive an equally emotive message back.

I sleep a fitful and cold sleep woken at 5 am by the sun streaming in through the windows. I manage to return to a doze until about 7 am when my sisters housemate decided to go about the house in as much the same way as a bull elephant goes about evading capture. I lie there and watch 30 year old programmes on UK Gold as the clock ticks round to 9 am - I dress and make coffee feeling totally fine - my sister appears looking pail weary and wrecked and she quickly confirms this is the case. Bless her.

The day continues with me feeling totally lose endish and irritable and my sister either on the phone or wrestling with the reason that shes on the phone. My blood brother calls and we arrange a meet and I jump in the Cat and circle round to sexual to meet him I arrive half hour early and after doing some sums realise I can treat MLA to some new trainers which I source and buy - little white Nike classics with a pink tick - perfect.

I meet my bruv and we wander round the town and grab a burger and catch up and form plans and discuss forthcoming events. Whilst enjoying a coke with no ice but just lemon at what is now 3 pm on Sunday - I manage to locate and speak to MCM. I frostily inform her to meet me in an hour and we do. We have an exchange and after taking soundings as I drove round the north circular It is widely agreed on not to pursue my instincts and go off like a rocket but to remain calm but put my point across which with remarkable resolve I did.

MLA and I jump in the Cat and we purr off - but where? Where exactly is there to go? If it was 10 am we could have gone as daddy had planned to Kew Gardens and fed the ducks and watched the fish and played in the new kids area. There's no way on gods earth that's going to happen at this time of day. We go to the local park and we walk and chase birds and eat jaffa cakes and call Nana, Grandad and Auntie. I watch as her little face lights up as she hears their voices. It's heartbreaking but reassuring. After a while we find the play area and MLA enjoys the swings and the slide and the bouncers and plays with other kids, everyone of them under the watchful eye tantamount to inmates being watched by screws and I am no different.

2 hours have passed and MLA seems a little tired and bored with playing and I panic wondering what to do next but then as a drop of rain falls I decide that its time to return to the car. MCM calls and asks to pick up milk which I agree to and we return to the car and back to MCM's house. Her new beau now scarce and no longer am I subjected to the open displays of affection that I was treated to as they arrived. This did niggle me a little as I know that I was never used a little in that way. MCM was and is always very conscious of who and what is around and they impression that is given so this display was, I think mainly for my benefit which also angered me a little with MLA seeing me and at the same time MCM kissing another man. I addressed this with MCM later by phone and was told 'get used to it' and 'don't be so ridiculous - You never met my ex so there was never the opportunity but it would have been exactly the same' as Les Dennis was famous for saying - 'if it's up there I'll give you the money myself..........Eeeeeee-Urrrgggggh!' I once again advise MCM that all I want is harmony as none of need the grief. She'll consider it.

The next bit is a bit of a blur. This telephonic conversation took place you see on the M25 as I left MCM's to return for a pit-stop to my sisters before doing as the Pet Shop Boys did and Go West (life is peaceful there...etc etc etc) However it got round to it, the following conversation came up;

'Has MLA got her pooh bear?'

(quite matter of factly) 'No but you can get next time you're round there'

Eh? Why do you say that?

(sounding tired) 'Look it's none of my business who you are friends with; I'm not interested and I don't care so if you and (a certain person) are friends then its none of my business what you do or get up to, or anything - you and (a certain person) are your own people' my response was typically me;

'What?'

'Exactly what I said, I'm not overly happy about it and I've told you and (a certain person) about it but I cannot stop you being friends so do what you like, like I said its not my business.'

So now I don't know what to do. It's the statement I've been waiting for for weeks and months. Acceptance. But I just don't know what to do now. I know what I want to do. Answers on a post card please - first one out of the hat wins a bag of sweets or something.

So now I sit here with a cigar saying goodbye to an old friend - smoking. As of tomorrow I am a non-smoker and am going out a cloud of style. Any one wanna buy a lighter - one careful owner you know........

Who said the age of chivalry is dead? I feel fine!

Today has been a most chivalrous one.

This morning I was in work (as usual) early so got everyone a drink while they were booting up their PC's which was nicely received. This was then followed by an e-mail from a branch manager or as they are more locally know - a demi god asking for my help on something - which I provided and within 5 minutes had a response from them thanking me profusely for what I had done and also sent an e-mail to my supervisor and my manager telling them how wonderful and helpful I was - cue Jimmy Carter 'colgate' smile.

Later this morning I was walking along with Rachel and I got to the door first and she waited for me to go through and we both stood there for a few seconds which felt like an hour in total stalemate until I said 'Come on Rach - ladies first!!' 'Why thank you' she beamed. 'Who said the age of chivalry is dead eh?' I said 'Shivery? Are you cold in those shorts??' No dear, CHIVALRY erm.... you know... er.... gentlemanly' 'Why didn't you just say gentlemanly?' 'Cos it's chivalry!!!' I said and grinned.

The rest of the day passed relatively uneventfully other than my NVQ assessor telling me how wonderful I am and will fly through my assessment.

But then comes the piece de resistance of my chivalrous acts today. Whilst driving home I was sitting in traffic on the dual carriageway and happened to glance onto the other carriageway where a girl in her mid twenties stood on the pavement next to a dead Corsa hazards slowly blinking and her frantically running her hands through her hair and punching numbers into her phone. The traffic moving in to town is, in minutes as thick as the traffic heading out of it caught behind her stricken car. My light change and I drive down the road glancing back and seeing her standing there still quite crest fallen and getting irate looks from motorists as they circumnavigate her car in the first lane. I get 200 yards down the road and swing the Cat into the next left yank round the wheel and am now going in the opposite direction I eventually find a place to park and lock up the Cat and stroll to where shes been standing for a good 15 minutes since I first saw her and in that time no-one has stopped or offered help. shes chewing on a nail and still clutching her phone and running her hand through her hair, shes shaking a little.

'Er are you stuck?' I say and smile she turns and her tense eyes immediately soften on seeing that someone has actually bothered to ask.
'It just died on me and I can't push it out of the way cos I'm 4 months pregnant! my boyfriends got his mobile off and my parents are still at work!' She's clearly a bit shaken and at her wits end and clearly the last thing she needs right now.
'I've got a powerpack in my car - may be able to get it going enough to move it?'
'Oh that would be wonderful - is your car far??' she asks is if questioning if this was really happening
'No just there, give me a minute'
I return with the powerpack and attach the leads to the battery on her little dead car and she jumps in and tries it but the poor little car just will not start.
'Jump in' I said 'You can't leave it where it is, they drive like nuts on this road and it's a sitting duck where it is.' So in the middle of the busiest road in town with trucks, buses and cars screaming inches past me I start to push the car. She starts by trying to help push but I insist she gets in and steers while I push. I shove the car to safety and she is thanking me profusely she's still thanking me when her boyfriend pulls up and he starts thanking me profusely as well.

I return to the Cat and we purr away with waves exchanged. As I drive away I reflect on what happened. Not one person in this metropolis stopped to help apart from me yet while I pushed Navy cadets walked passed and a police patrol car also passed as did various pedestrians. Not one person helped. Has the milk of human kindness really turned so sour?

I stopped not because as I'm sure some would suggest she was a twenty something blond, but because I've been in that situation. I've stood at the side of the road and watched and cursed the car which is essentially my life line, die. I've been the one that has been beeped and cursed through windows for adding another 2 minutes to someone else's journey. It's a lonely and scary feeling and I don't like feeling like that and I don't like to know others are feeling like that when I could have helped.

I once turned the car round as I noticed a man lying face down in the middle of a car park, I'm a first aider and for all I know he could have had a heart attack but no body seemed bothered - it turns out he was in fact blind drunk and thought that it was a good place to sleep but he thanked me for showing concern. I've stopped to see if can help at road accidents, I've called ambulances and given first aid to an old man who collapsed at a bus stop. I could not drive by and ignore someones distress call, yet sadly it appears these days more people do.

My grandfather didn't smoke but always carried a lighter in case someone asked him for a light in the street. My father who is also a first aider administered CPR to a dear family friend and stayed with him talking to him until the ambulance came following a heart attack - he was devastated to learn that as well as he seemed as he was taken into the ambulance he had another massive heart attack en route to the hospital and died.

We hear these days sadly of acts of compassion and heroism when an attack is made on a capital such as 9/11 and 7/7 yet some people face personal tragedies every day so I leave you with this thought if it was you wouldn't you want someone to help?

Now hear this.....

I think it was the great philosopher from the 70's a certain Ms Gloria Gaynor who once said and I quote:

I am what I am I am my own special creation
So come take a look Give me the hook Or the ovation
It's my world That I want to have a little pride in, My world And it's not a place I have to hide in Life's not worth a dam Till I can say I am what I am

I am what I am I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham Till you can shout out I am what I am

I am what I am And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out I am what I am

I am I am I am good
I am I am I am strong
I am I am I am worthy
I am I am I belong
I am I am Who whoooo etc.
I am I am I am I am useful
I am I am I am true
I am I am somebody
I am as good as you Yes I am

Now don't get me wrong I'm not coming out or anything - far from it as anyone who knows me will tell you - there may be a drought but I'll wait for Evian rather than drinking my own if you get me? But today I thought - Fuck this shit! I am SICK and TIRED of being made to feel like crap not least by me and I am not going to do it anymore! Yes I may stumble, yes I may fall and graze myself but the above is true - I AM what I am and what I am needs NO excuses - if you don't like it - Fuck off.

In other news, I am frankly surpassing myself in seeing how much I can actually get away with not doing at work - I am so mind numbingly bored I sat and watched as a poster slowly peeled itself away from the wall and fell down and I was so totally mesmerised I could do nothing else but sit there and mentally goad it on! That said nothing out of the ordinary sat and talked the usual bollocks and made Lindsay blush as I read an article in Cosmo about Rihanna and then proceeded to tell Lindsay exactly what I thought of (doing to) Rihanna. The only other highlight was a particularly impure thought about a recent event and the preceding conversations that led up to it.

A delightful walk, a shower and more of my orally amazing chille and all I need is a cold pint of Bow - which incidentally I haven't got, and this hasn't been a bad day.

Nil Desperandum.

Boom! Crash! - Subterrainean

I sit here with tears. The pain that I'm feeling right now is hard and cold. I have just returned from my mums from having dinner and she showed me some pictures of MLA and I had to choke back tears, a lump in my throat so big I could hardly breathe - I miss her so much and every day kills me. I had to be strong for my mother. I have to lead by example but how strong can I be when I feel so miserable?

I love MLA with all my heart and she is my world; but at the same time worlds apart. I've already missed so many things in her life and I know without knowingly being aware of it I will miss so much more.

Every day I give the best performance of my life but it's hard work - it's hard to go through the day behaving like there's nothing wrong while all the time a picture of the one you miss most smiles back at you from your desk.

I give the impression of granite but I feel like chalk. How long can I feel like this? How long can I go missing her so? How long can I be her daddy?

I want to have a special MLA and daddy cuddle and see her smiling face and hear her little laugh as I blow raspberries on her neck making her squeal with laughter, but I know I can't and won't for a good while. How long can I die without feeling death?

After the storm - calm is restored.

Nice day isn't it? I am feeling much better again :o)

As much as I am still niggled by a varying multitude of things I am resolute not to let them drag me down. I had a strange encounter today where my friend came over for coffee - it's funny we haven't done that for months yet it used to be a regular thing - we go way way back and she is a great mate but she is, if anything, in a worse dilemma to myself - she and her ex partner have obviously by the presence of the prefix 'ex' split up but they have a shared house, mortgage and child together yet live separate lives in the same world but remains somewhat sane. I'm glad that I can take her mind of things for an hour or so. Consider my good deed for the day done and to an extent so has hers.

As she arrived and I put the kettle on and it was weird as the last time we had coffee both our situations were exactly as they are now - the last 12 months don't seem to have happened at all! I even joked by starting our chat 'Now where were we....'

I took my mums dog for a walk and we had a nice little stroll with her sniffing and rummaging in the undergrowth all the way - so instead of my usual 'Terminator' stride it was very much a perambulation today.

Very little else I want to share at the moment other than this; there is nothing NOTHING quite like experiencing watching or being present at the one you love falling asleep at the end of the day. There's a quite indescribable feeling of being the last person you speak to and the last person being with you guarding you into the night. Slushy? maybe, but sue me; I don't care. I'm a romantic and ever will be and if that's so bad then shoot me now, because if that's so wrong then I don't want to be right.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.........

Odysseus

As I sit writing this a handful of thunder storms congregate over the house. I love thunderstorms and have been watching a streaks of electricity shoot across the sky freezing everything for a split second in an energy charged strobe. There are about 3 storms circulating, 1 with sheet lightning and the other 2 with forked. The weather is an irony to how I feel.

I'm miserable and as the rain beats against the window and the energy surges through the skies releasing its power. The storms are right overhead and are gaining in their ferocity, I'm actually quite surprised I don't have a migraine as my head is like a barometer.

Things are not going well, I fell like an amputee, even after the limb has gone they say they can still feel twitches and tingles in the part that isn't there - they can still feel what they have lost. I was angry earlier - so angry I could feel the heat of my blood in my veins but I took a deep breath, I had a glass of water and a cigarette and turned off my brain and watched TV but if you asked me what was on I honestly couldn't tell you. MCM is becoming more than a slight irritation. Without being vulgar and divulging certain details of arrangements, I feel that yet again I am being taken for a mug. What irritates me is her total inability to see beyond her sphere or orbit. Anything beyond a 6 foot radius gets ignored. She maintains her happiness and bugger everyone else's though lest you try to be happy - no no no that will never do. She owes me and I am not going to sit down and get the piss taken out of me like a dialysis machine anymore. She hears but doesn't want to listen and as much as I have been accused of playing games and dirty tricks, she casually forgets that she has made several threats to me the result of which is doubtful that I would walk, or even crawl for that matter, away from. As a member of staff for my bank I have access to a safety deposit box which I have made arrangements to start using. It will contain a few letters, One to MLA to be sent to her on her 18th Birthday and various others to people I care about and to a lesser extent I hope care about me. I fear but will never show that crack in my facade as to do so is weakness.

According to astrology my star sign is linked to Odysseus. The victor of the Trojan War, a noble and honourable man who fought for what he believed. A man whom despite a 20 year absence from his wife, upon his return slayed her suitors who had usurped him in Ithaca. The war may be in progress but I do not intend to be a casualty.

I place a lot of faith in astrology and am typical of my sign. My Aquarian traits are as follows:

strong-willed
opinionated
far-sighted / visionary
innovative / inventive
tolerant / unprejudiced / objective
rebellious
laid-back
empathetic
imaginative
humane / humanitarian
genial / friendly / sociable
idealistic
remote / detached / aloof
intuitive
devoted to their goals
free-spirited / rebellious
frank / outspoken
independent / individualistic
intelligent / intellectual
leading / trend setting
patient
engaging
unpredictable
eccentric / unconventional
temperamental
resentful
enigmatic / magnetic
progressive
unemotional / cold

One type of Aquarius person can be shy, gentle and patient. The other type is more enthusiastic and exhibitionist.

Likes
friendship, freedom, intellectual stimulation, camaraderie, surprises, companionship, feeling understood, emotional safety.
Dislikes
jealousy, possessiveness, control, ego plays, pointless meetings, narrow-mindedness, being ridiculed, routines, fighting/violence, inequality, being taken for granted.

All in all not a bad package really is it? The storms have passed and the changing pressure is giving me a mild headache so I shall leave this here and return soon.

Only the heavens have brighter stars......

Icarus

For the first time in a while I felt truly beastly about myself today. Despite my new found or rather renewed exultant confidence I think it may have come as a culture shock - not least to me.

I allowed my confidence to blinker me to other aspects and results. Like Icarus I wanted to realise my dreams but did not consider the implications. You can and should follow your dreams but you also need to remember that in achieving them you could get hurt. I flew close to the sun, I basked in its warm and rewarding glow never considering that things could come unstuck.

Part of my new found confidence is obviously as a result of the parting of MCM and myself, well that's not strictly true - its probably all down to that. I know I'm preaching to the choir here but when you break up with someone you can go 2 ways - you can sit and reflect and bawl your eyes out listening to the songs that held significant memories for you both and happier times - never more will that be 'our song' - from that day forth it will be the 'lump in my throat' or 'something in my eye song'. The alternative is to pick yourself up - dust yourself down and go 'Hmmm well that was interesting - what does life hold for me next I wonder?' Where once I was the former I am now the latter.

For a long while I have felt like the ships in Southampton harbour as the Titanic sailed passed off on its first and last journey. As grace and majesty swept passed, they strained hard on their hawsers wanting to get near to the beauty nearby. I was one of those ships but although I strained and fought against the draw, I remained firmly tethered and harboured in port. Those hawsers have slipped into the waters now or snapped after being nibbled away by rot and rats. Now I am free to sail out into the wide blue seas and embark on a voyage of discovery.

The sun has shone and maybe just maybe summer is here - or maybe that was all it was going to be - I adore the sun at the moment - my eyes are cleared and everyday these days I walk and pound the streets in my oh so pristine Nikes. This evening I needed to get money from the cash point in the next village but instead of jumping in the car as I am so akin to do I put my joggers on laced up my Nikes and popped on my MP3. There are times when I walk and am so happy I feel I could fly. I know that may sound strange but I just feel serene and euphoric and as i look at the scenery around me I could soar up and glide over it like a bird. I feel that if I tripped I could head toward the floor and miss it completely. I know why I'm happy and what makes me feel that way.

This evening's walk took in the cycle track which was once a railway line that weaves through my village and meanders its way to the sea. As the sun lazily started it's decent on the world I was surrounded with meadows of bluebells, paddocks with horses and foals, red campions, trickling streams and solitude. That's what gets to me sometimes - why can't I share this with the one I want?

Icarus pursued his dreams and got lost in the moment, I do not intend to make the same mistake. I fully intend to pursue and follow my dreams - it has long since been known that I have a dogged and dedicated nature but I go forward with the knowledge that all things must be considered and respected.

I will get the job I want, I will be true to my words with equally effective actions, I will always be there and provide for MLA, I will not allow others to rain on my parade unless there is justifiable reason and finally I will follow my heart and my head and I will never give up hope on the one I truly love.

'Oh I am what I am and I do what I want,
But I can't hide
I wont go, I won't sleep
I can't breathe until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave and I can't hide
I cannot be until you're resting here with me'

- Dido

Who are you looking at?

I've been feeling quite reflective over the last few days. They say a week is a long time in politics and given the politics of my life of late I can testify to that.

So whats been happening? Well, as you'll see from my previous post the week started on a real high - granted over the weekend there were a few drops into a subterranean quagmire but on the whole a good weekend. I spend quality time with MLA and a heavenly body, I caught up with my sister and confessed all and she did likewise, I caught up with my 'bruvva' which was long overdue and also caught up with a friend I haven't seen for close on 8 years. Good. A bit of me time - lovin' it!

So also this week I took my first steps to professional greatness and submitted my application to become dare I say it....Management and perhaps more masochistically; in London. Don't get me wrong I can do the job but whereas most of my peers nee anyone who has ever aspired to the role I have applied for would probably elect to start provincially and then move to London for 'the big time' I have, or rather needed to start there. London is not daunting to me - a lot of my friends round here are daunted by London - it's big and noisy and apparently everyone carries a gun/knife/your spleen.

I am excited and perhaps a little apprehensive about the move, as much as I can't wait to get there, there's always the apprehension of moving out of your comfort zone. I know everyone and everything down here, it's cheap and pleasant. But that's just it - sometimes I am bored beyond belief! I want the buzz of city life again the adrenaline rush, the 24 hour culture, the ability to do and see anyone or anything at any time.

In addition to the application I have been getting a lot of very encouraging support from senior management locally who have advised they will do 'all they can to help' which is a very alien feeling if I'm honest. My previous manager would always be quite scornful towards career progression for their underlings adopting the mentality of 'Look it took me 20 years to get where I am and by Christ it will take you the same time' My new manager is 'Oh, you want to progress? I'm really pleased that you want to do that - what can I do to help?'

Additionally this week I went to the gym - and didn't die! On the contrary after an hour and a half I was still able to drive home afterwards. Considering I have not set foot in a gym in about 10 years for me to go in, jump on a cross trainer and do 10 minutes from start and not hit the 'STOP' button I was rather pleased with myself - this then was followed by various stints on machines with weights and pulleys and things which again was fine. I was a little smug when the induction chap said 'Now this will develop your calf's' and then I pulled up my legs of my joggers and showed him my calf's whereupon he said 'ah well, you can skip that one' Get in!

I have also been to the Dr and have been prescribed pills to make me stop smoking. Hmmm still a little apprehensive about that and although I have had them since Friday they remain unopened. Please don't think me a bad person but I have smoked for 14 years and at my worst I was on 60 a day (running a pub can do that to you) it is kind of my only vice and I must confess I do enjoy it. I was asked by a devout non-smoking friend recently - why do you enjoy it? It'll kill you! Well the same can be said of Coke heads, bungee jumpers and people that support Arsenal. You don't know why you enjoy it but you do. However I do keep remembering the face of the heavenly body telling me that I really should give up and that inspires me just as much as the time I saw MLA put one of my fags in her mouth once trying to copy daddy - not good. However these pills, as with every other comes with a leaflet, this leaflet is more of a novel akin to Tolstoy. Some of the effects I can look forward to are:

• Headaches
• Difficulty sleeping (no change there)
• Nausea
• Increased appetite
• Tiredness (contradicts above??)
• Vomiting and diarrhoea
• Chest infections
• Fever and flu-like symptoms
• Loss of appetite(??? see above)
• Panic attacks
• Shakes and co-ordination problems
• Heart beat irregularity
• Distorted vision
• Ringing in the ears
• Blood in vomit
• Ulcers
• Chest pain and joint pain
• Increased urination and perhaps worst of all......
• Changes in sex drive or ability(!!!!!!)

Now forgive me but that does seem a lot to go through to pack in the fags doesn't it? and I'm told the fags will kill me!! - Christ that little lot is enough to make death sound appealing! But, I am determined to do it so I will try but I warn you now its only what I'm going through - I don't really want to kill you and I probably won't so please don't panic when I tell you I will.

I apologise for a little bit of a straight laced entry today - no doubt something/one will piss me off or inspire me to inject my usual brand of cynicism or acidic sarcasm this week. Especially if I do stop smoking, I wonder if they have the net in prison.........?

Fancy an apple?

I really don't know how to start this today. I am happy. I mean, that I am really HAPPY :o)

Now what with all the things that have happened of late I'm pleased that I can say that. Life is looking decidedly 'Up'. I have new renew vigour and aspirations, I am applying for a new job which (touches wood - not erection - timber) I will get and be amazing at. And it's in London.....which is a good thing......it really really really is. No longer shall I feel stifled at work and that I am am treading through custard and generally nailing gravy to the wall i.e. Time consuming and futile.

There's something else too that's making me happy, Long since have I felt so intense and alive. I experienced a feeling so incredible time literally stopped. I entered a dream feeling, where all I ever wanted was realised and no matter how much you can dream of something and crave it you can never know how it will feel until you encounter it. The world could have ended at that moment and I wouldn't have cared - or noticed for that matter.

London holds many people, things, places, dreams and experiences very dear to me - for far too long I have missed them and now I cannot deny myself their hold on me any longer. As I wandered into Paddington late on Monday night to return to my little corner of the world, I did not want to leave. My mind and heart was telling me to stay and I really wanted to. So now it's all systems go - No more will I allow myself to be pushed around or push myself around for that matter - I can and will achieve anything I want - I feel omnipotent at the moment and nothing's going to stop it.

In other news I have the following to report;

Brighton is still like the UK's answer to Bennidorm - it's kitsch and full of crap and some of the freakiest people I've ever seen. However it was good to see and catch up with some old mates. HOWEVER, I will never, NEVER, EVER tolerate paying the amount of a third world debt to get a drink or food ever again.

MLA is adorable and I love her so much! she loved her new Winnie the Pooh and insisted on daddy kissing him hello after she had, and then offering him around for others to bask in the love of Winnie - bless!

'Giraffe' in Angel does really good burgers

There's nowhere to buy trainers for toddlers in Angel

Regents canal is a really nice walk.

Southern and First Great Western Railways both incurred my wrath - you both suck, suck, suck!!!!

My sis is one of the best people I know - shes just a wonderful, wonderful person and I love her dearly and don't tell half as often enough. She is always there and totally non-judgemental - any time, any day - cheers hun.

And finally.......I have fallen so deeply for someone I can pass on the Earth's core's regards to everyone. Perfection has a new definition and I'm blown away. Hook, line, sinker, rod and fisherman's arm...... :o)!!!!!

Phoenix from the flames?

Like a compulsive eater - I'm fed up. Well......hmmm maybe I'm not - I don't really know how I am at the mo.

If you've read my 'Spring is sprung' post you'll know that currently things are not all good in the garden of Eden - more like the garden of Basra.

Yes MCM and me are officially NO more. Initially I was upset, hurt, rejected and dare I say it, suspicious. Considering all that's at stake, there was a reluctance on MCM's part to try and fix things - no change there - shes as stubborn as a mule in most things and our relationship was no exception. But this time I was more sceptical than usual - My spidy-senses have rarely been wrong and I was spinning a whole heap of webs on this one. And as to my (unsurprising) surprise I find the day after she says that this time we won't go back cos she's too hurt and feeling so bad and is in no mood for dating or relationships etc. etc. etc. - she's there spilling her love to some (insert vernacular word for female anatomy) that she trawled up on Facebook.

Nice. Cheers love.

So then we enter phase 2 - anger. which lasted about oooohhhh I dunno - possibly a good 5 minutes. You see - she has a bit of a track record here. And you know what they say about leopards - and its not that their bloody fast although pardon the pun here - the last time I saw someone get over something that fast John Mills was tunneling underneath it to escape Colditz.

But very shortly, having reflected on it, I hit a thermal and rose above it. I am a better person. I have love to give and now I can find someone worthy of receiving it and hopefully mirroring it back. Maybe I have been soft hearted before but is that such a bad thing? The books and stereotypes say that 'women love a bastard' - well sorry chum but most of the women I know will happily tell a bastard to swivel on it rather than let him go out and get blind drunk with his mates, have a fight, chomp down a kebab, flirt with some tart whose all tits and arse hanging out all over the place before coming home and expecting sex. As I say ladies of the world - if this is what's floating your boat? - you really need to consider alternative transport.

So there - now you know. I'm sorry to those that like by blog and it's injection of humour I try to instill in it - normal service will be resumed very shortly........some day my princess will come - and with any luck about the same time as me ;o) diddely boom tish!!

Told you normal service would resume shortly didn't I?

Niggles - Grrrr!

I've had irritations today - not the sort that require you to go to a doctor for some cream or worse - 'the clinic' No no no, just things that have got on my wick:

1. I pay Sky almost £40 per month for them to bombard my TV with stuff that was already old when I was a kid - today I watched an episode of Columbo which was older than I am and that was followed by an episode of 'The Professionals' which I remember back in the days of yore meant that it was bedtime. Repeats are both in my opinion a blessing and a curse - I can watch what I regard as classics over and over but when you've seen Del Boy fall through that bar over 1000 times the magic simply isn't there anymore.

2. I went looking for a new car today and found loads - all of which I simply cannot afford - these days all garages seem to sell cars which are literally last years models at next years prices - the reason for this? well it's twofold. The first is that everyone seems to have been brainwashed over the last few years by the need to have a new car - this being the case there comes the second problem - personal finance. It is so easy these days to get credit you can have everything you want right here - right now. But, cars are singularly the fastest depreciating things in the world - did you know that as soon as you sign the ownership document of a brand new £110k Rolls Royce Phantom it becomes an £80K Rolls Royce Phantom simply because it is now second hand. I personally don't want to spend the next 5 years of my life paying £6K for a car that's now worth £4k that by the time I have paid said £6k is worth £1.5K - as Mr Spock said - that's illogical!

3. I went for a shower earlier and decided it was pamper day so I get my leave in conditioner and it says plainly on the tub 'Use an amount about the same size as a pea' Well, I'm a man so clearly I know better so I promptly use an amount as specified 'about the size of a pea'......providing peas these days are about the same size as a cricket ball. I stand there for the required 5 minutes which of course means 10 minutes as 5 minutes is clearly not nearly long enough. Then it happens. The gentle cascade of water which has been lovingly running down my body turns ICE cold - yes my dear sweet boiler possessed by the spirits of Rasputin and Hitler has decided to play its game of 'Ha! he's in the shower - lets break!' This is not good when you have external plumbing as men do. I get out of the shower now freezing my nuts off - literally - well not literally, I am happy to report they are still firmly attached to me, trudge down the stairs, walk into the kitchen and wham the boiler with my fist - this usually works and sure enough 'click' it fires up - unfortunately my neighbour happens to be walking past the back of my house and yes you guessed it - hearing the 'Bang!' as I deck the boiler turns to see me butt naked with what looks like a whale has ejaculated on my head. I have never been so grateful for having a high work surface in my kitchen. I return to the shower and get in whereupon the water is now being sourced directly from the cooling system of a nuclear power station. Triffic! after a few minutes of fiddling - with the controls not with my anatomy! I am again in shower heaven. Now it comes to washing out the conditioner which given my bravado of measure means that its now taking about 20 minutes to actually leave my head. Still my hair is back to its usual floppiness until I go to work at stupid o'clock tomorrow whereupon it will need 'product' to make it behave despite there being only be me and 3 other capitalists working for time and a half - I still have standards you know!

4. Why is it that young girls these days seem to think that it is totally acceptable to squeeze themselves into jeans a size too small for them and clingy tops giving the visual impression that they have rings akin to an earth based Saturn? Everywhere I go these days this phenomenon is around me - hear what girls - you ain't that thin no more! not since you discovered Bacardi Breezers have those jeans fitted you, so do the decent thing and go buy some new ones. Make no mistake I'm no Charles Atlas but I and all the women I know know that it doesn't do to kid yourself when it comes to jeans and 'overspilling' eugh! The same thing could be said today when I witnessed what scientists have been trying to look for for years - perpetual motion. My mother very kindly took me off to the pub for lunch and a few tables away there was what I first thought was a Volvo or possibly a hopeful waiting to be cast for 'Free Willie 9 - This time it's personal' but it was in fact a woman (I assume) wearing a shocking pink vest top (possibly a poncho to more lithe folk) with 'Sexy' written on it - Resisting the urge to call trading standards and report an obvious case of misrepresentation I watched as the family ate. At no point during the entire meal did her hands or jaw stop moving for a moment she even managed to hold a conversation with her husband who was 1/3 her size and also remonstrating some of the ugliest children I've ever seen - they had faces only a mother could love - If they were my kids I could get them jobs sitting on church gables to ward off evil. Either this woman had gills or her family has become immune to particles of food becoming airborne each mealtime.

5. Statistics. 83.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot of which 56.4% are total lies and allowing for a 4.76% margin of error means that any statics (like this one) is total bollocks. So please news gathers of the world please stop quoting statistics to us -we know you're making it up and moreover we don't care that 89.9% of people don't know what anti-dissestablishmentarianism is or that 24.1% of people over 89 are likely to not see out the night.

6. The Beckhams - I neither know nor care if your lives are perfect or just plain bloody miserable - you are vacuous wastes of space and your attitude that 'oh we're so rich but still not happy' is frankly more annoying than a dose of thrush in a brothel.

7. Joss Stone's 'gratuitous' chest caress on the flake ad - Look love as the kit kat advert once said - you can't sing, you can't dance - you look awful....... yet sadly you still keep banging away at it don't you? - bugger off! We need a proper Flake advert but in my mind it would possibly be only able to be shown post watershed - if you want to inject some sex into a choccie ad get some trussed up slapper (check your local Walkabout - I'm sure you can find one) and get her to lie on the floor and bring herself off with it - job done. I personally find Joss Stone as sexy as an iron lung.

8. My hair and nails appear to be growing at phenomenal speed - I can only put this down to a protein surplus due to the current hosepipe ban in effect. When/if the ban does get lifted my ejaculatory war cry will probably be heard in Canada.

9. Heather Mills - the whole country hates you and if I hear you or your new comrade in arms Yoko Bloody Ono going on about how being a Beatles ex is such a strain on your Louis Vitton wallet I will happily ask you to transfer you meagre £23M to me and then I will give you an honest opinion in 12 months if life really is so bloody terrible.

There's probably more but I'm hungry and need something to eat - watch this space for the next gripping installment!

Spring has sprung - so why no 'Boing Boing'??

Officially it is now summer, or more accurately - Spring. It must be spring as I am 'on a break'. I came to this realisation the other day; Where spring traditionally signifies new life and new beginnings for me at least it usually signifies an end or at least a hiatus to my current relationship. It's been this way since I embarked on my road of 'serious relationships' and do you know what - I'm bloody pissed off with it.

So today after yet another day flogging my guts out as a managers assistant (hear what yeah? for all the managers I assist - I assist you - I am not paid nearly as much as you, so please stop sending me work along the lines of 'Can you demolish your building, rebuild it exactly as it was just 6 inches to the left of where it was, by close of business today while I go out and kiss some ass on a golf course' I am doing your goddam job for you so would it bloody hurt to say thanks now and again? And by the way the reason I can assist you is because I have infinitely more knowledge of what I and the business can do and are doing than you do - but in case you hadn't noticed I'm cc'ing the work I'M doing via both my manager and your area director - I'll be out Tuesday afternoon being fitted for a shaded monocle for my ass by the way, as they think the sun shines out of mine.)

Where was I? Oh yeah.... I was driving home reflecting on how crap things are at the mo and what comes on the radio to cheer me up?? Bloody Snowpatrol with 'Run' Now there's a song to slash your wrists to. Thankfully for me I was already dying simply by being trapped inside my god awful BMW which sadly despite my erratic driving style recently remains completely unscratched never mind 'totalled'.

I am a bit of a channel surfer at the best of times and the radio is no exception. A few quick presses of a few buttons and then......... 'boom....di boom.... boom boom di boom Whyyyyy do you build me up......... buttercup baby when you let me down........'

Now this instantly lifted my spirits and as I rolled down the windows cranked up the stereo, popped on my Police shades I felt.....well......pretty damn OK.

It was like something out of a film, suddenly the traffic eased and I cruised along the coast road on my way home, the breeze wafting into the car as the sun beat down on a royal blue sea caressing the golden sand of the bay. Things could be worse.

At the risk of sounding Narcissistic, work are currently loving me. This is a good thing. As an almost Macbethian time approaches I am subtly becoming noticed as having a little more knowledge and clout than some of my superiors and I have aspirations of leadership. A Schadenfreuden turn of events has also presented itself with 2 local managers deciding 'Sod this for a lark - I'm off!'.

Like a sine wave - for every peak - there is a trough. Normally they follow each other but I find my personal life in a trough, whilst conversely my professional one is riding high.

Harumph. There are times I wish it was inverted as to be totally honest - I'm gagging for it :o( - Anyone fancy a bunk up???

On the up side mind you, I have got some new books and thanks to also having new glasses I now have three pairs which means I can keep my old pair next to the few books I have in the bathroom (Yes I know - it's a guy thing OK?) and have other pairs in other places. To be honest I don't really need glasses - I just need them for using a computer, reading and seeing pretty much.........well, everything. But, as I said I have a mildly Narcissistic strain so unless I'm trying to look thoughtful or inteligent I don't like to wear them.

I was driving into work this morning and people watching as I am always doing - as a wannabe novelist you find yourself watching people and metomorphosising them into your characters sometimes - well I do anyway. I felt sad at something I saw; a car stopped at lights in front of me I saw the female passenger turn to the male driver and say something, the door opened and she made every effort to get out as slowly as possible, the male driver never stopped looking ahead and looked at the lights - there was no kiss and she walked to the pavement her head down, her expression sallow and she looked a little crushed. I felt for her. The lights change and he drives off without so much as a momentary glance back at her. She continues her lonely trudge down the pavement hugging her jacket to her, maybe the only hug she'll get today. I got to thinking, if he crashes that car and ends up in hospital or worse - he'll regret that this morning. I've never liked parting with anyone on bad or strained terms - even if its just going to work, you don't know what's going to happen in the next 24 hours or the next 24 minutes. I pride myself on always leaving my loved one knowing they are loved - I just wish I had the same returned to me.

So, with all that in mind I leave you with the final thought of Jerry Springer - be good to yourselves - and each other.

The end......

I was talking - huh! how modern! - I was in fact 'chatting' a la MSN to the delicious China Blue yesterday when she happened to say 'I'm more or less done with Facebook now, you know' and it got me thinking.

Recently it made headline, - yes HEADLINE news that Facebook numbers were falling - why is this worthy of the lunchtime news?? (fair do's it was Radio 1 Newsbeat so maybe that's why - but news no less)

Modern net use and social interaction is leading to people actively needing professional help, gamers too - they become so engrossed in a virtual world they get panic attacks if their offline or not blasting aliens or Nazi's to kingdom come. But why this shift? Why do people turn to the safety of their PC's in order to expand their lives? Personally I blame the increased cost of living and the ever increasing 'nanny state' - Don't smoke - you dirty irresponsible basterd! how dare you even think of wandering into a PUB of all places and having a cigarette - you disgusting filthy git! But then you shouldn't drink either cos you'll probably engorge your liver and people like you are such a drain on the NHS - God! do you think of NO-ONE but yourself!??!!?? tsk!

So people are staying home and fair do's - speaking personally, it's not bad - I have a nice house and I don't have to endure a ten minute wait to get served shouting my order over DJ Asshole's latest euroshite.

But I digress, years from now I actually foresee a time when a child will turn to it's father and say;

'Dad - how did you and mum meet?'
'Well I was on a thing we had back then called 'Facebook' and I was using this application 'Do you want to fuck me senseless?' and saw her picture of her standing there with her tits out and we poked each other a few times and the rest they say is history.....'

I'm on Facebook - isn't everyone? but do you know how many unread e-mails I now have in my e-mail inbox??? Over 900. 900 pieces of information telling me that yet again one of my friends has added the application 'Let's all paint our nuts green and call each other Rupert on every alternate Thursday' and have a requirement to invite 28000000 people to do the same, just so they can see that someone thinks that they are a twat. Triffic! Of course only 600 of these are from Facebook - the other 300 are asking if I want to make my dick bigger by buying dodgy Viagra or powdered walrus droppings or some sort of cream. God bless the Internet!

The inventor of the net and world wide web was interviewed recently on the BBC website - even HE is bombarded by this crap - he must be so proud of his achievement when he gets the e-mail with the subject 'How to make her scream tonight!' The net is a truly wonderful thing and has broadened our horizons and thanks to some very dodgy websites - our minds.

The web has made stars and celebrities out of anyone in their own right - Secret diary of a call girl anyone? - even now somewhere there is probably a girl setting up a web cam for the first time and waiting as the raincoat brigade click on her link; credit card in one hand and dick in the other as she begins her road to Internet stardom. All the while her parents could be downstairs watching University Challenge blissfully unaware that their little girl is NOT researching her essay but is in actual fact the nets newest tease. I worry about things like that.

Now, in all honesty this may sound a little hypercritical - I have a daughter and do you know where I met her mother?? - Ebay. Yes, I know don't say it but yes, Ebay. And no I didn't buy her - thats quite a different website all together. I bought something there was a problem with the paypal payment and we started e-mailing each other and yes as the cliche goes - the rest they say is history. But, My little girl will not be subjected to exploiting herself online - the day she does is the day that she will no longer make me proud. I brought her into this world and by Christ I'll keep it the type of world I want her in.

The net is responsible for many things - friendships and relationships can be forged and renewed but they can also be destroyed. A few years ago there was a programme called 'Friends Reunited ruined my life' there were a few stories of people's mis-fortune with this site which in all honesty was a fore-runner to face book but restricted to school mates and charged you for the privilege, but I digress, there was a story of a couple a few weeks away from their wedding - Miss Thing goes onto Friends Reunited to look up old friends to invite them to the big day - oh dear but whats this? Her old school boyfriend! Enter stage left. blah de blah de blah... anyway they start flirting and he is invited to the wedding - it turns out the flirting had become so intense he fucked the bride before and AFTER the wedding and went to the same resort as the honeymooning couple -bounced her like a beachball there too and by the time they landed back at Gatwick lawyers were involved! I kid you not.

As an interesting aside an e-mail was sent today from the lord-god-almighty-head-of-everything-and wall-to-wall-carpets to everyone at my work place to remind staff that derogatory comments on such sites about the company could and HAS led to dismissal! Cue exodus to the Internet cafe in the canteen.......

To conclude the Internet can and does give you another life - maybe it is time to close Facebook, all good stories come to an end don't they? Of the old friends I met again and have met again in various pubs since I think I e-mail about 10 out of 140. There is a life beyond the screen but there's also one beyond the front door.

I realise the irony of me sitting her cussing out the Internet, this being an Internet blog and everything but.......you're sitting here reading it aren't you! ;o)

Emergency Ward 10 1/2

The nagging, stinging annoyance in the back of my nose and or throat (depending on how it's feeling) has decided to reveal itself as a bloody cold!

Cue cries of a women folk everywhere: 'Oh Christ! He's got 'manflu'' Au contraire I assure you. I HATE being ill - not because I feel like shit and like so many of my fellow manfolk feel the need every ten minutes to go 'Ooohhhh I do feel unwell' (meaning of course - give me 10cc's of sympathy - stat!!) but because I get very VERY bored. Being ill interferes with my schedule and means I can't do half the things I want to.

I am not a work-a-holic, far from it but it's only in really REALLY bad cases will I bite the bullet and call in sick. I have been a work-a-holic mind you; Once upon a time when I was running a pub up in London I was physically ejected from my own premises by the finance and general managers owing to the fact that I was grey - no shit - GREY. I had (as it turns out) Flu of the most monumental scale - I was roasting hot or freezing cold and basically sat there shivering looking like a zombie (only considerably better dressed - why do zombies feel the need to tear their clothes in places??? I always wore a suit don't cha know...) I was made to go home and not come back until I was better as I was scaring the punters.

Once home I was on the phone hourly - what have we taken? how many people are in? who's on shift or didn't turn up? What have we taken now? Don't forget the brewery orders! Can someone bring the invoices round so I can sign them? etc etc etc

These days I don't like to be at home sick as now I have Jeremy 'more holier than thou' Kyle irritating the living shit out of more than any illness ever could. I sometimes think my current employer actually like this arrangement of crap daytime TV as sickness is strictly frowned upon. This has, sometimes, backfired on them as once you are in they are very reluctant to let you go home again. I get migraine (lucky old me eh?) and one time one crept up on me and hit me at work.

'Can I go home please? I have a migraine'
'Oh......do you want to go out and have some fresh air and see how you feel'
'Well not really no - I feel nauseous, I have a Jean Michelle Jarre concert going on in my eyeballs and what feels like a large axe in my cranium'
'Don't you have tablets???'
'Yes I have tablets but they make me sleep - I'll be good for nothing and believe it or not they are only MILDLY effective against a BLOODY MIGRAINE!!!!!'
'Well give it an hour and see how you feel'

I return to my desk, pop my glasses back on, look at my monitor and all of a sudden just as one of my juniors asks to refer to me...........

'Huuuuuurrrrggghhhhhh!!!' I said promptly vomiting onto my keyboard and managing to write it off - systems admin were not best pleased.

Of course I have played sickies as well - there are times when I have been told 'you are not going into work today - I think you need to stay in bed (wink wink) and have done! Amazing what bed rest can do for you ;o)

Luckily I am blessed with quite a high metabolism so thankfully colds and stuff don't really get a hold of me so I'll be OK. If I'm not then as Spike Milligan said; 'I told you I was ill!!'

Gooseberrys

I have this moment returned from a wedding reception.

I have decided I hate them. The people whom I have been a guest of tonight are friends, indeed I have worked with the groom for 3 years or so. However, no matter how pally you are at work when you are invited to a wedding reception you feel distinctly different. You are suddenly thrust into a room with 150 people you simply do not know, yet your friends know.

So you wander into the venue and desperately try to look for other friends that you do know so that you don't stand there all night on your own looking like a total plank. I managed this, before realising that yes, as I had the car and they had been to the service and as such had a head start on drinking they were considerably more intoxicated than I was - and had made new friends. Oh dear, plus and this was the killer - I entered alone. Now, when your friends are used to you being Silver Hawk and...... eyebrows are raised when it is just plain old Silver Hawk. Edgy silences ensue after the Hello's and How are you's - there's only so many times you can ask your mates pregnant wife how she's doing - I knew the answer - shes pissed off, sober and feeling bloated, unattractive and annoyed that her husband is pissed as a newt - though she didn't say any of this but Desmond Morris has nothing on me when it comes to people watching.

The bride and groom are more tactful and are terribly grateful that I made it and they know the score and hope that I'm OK - for this I am truly thankful for them being friends and on their big day are still able to look out for and care about me - a very selfless act in my eyes.

There are countless 'in' jokes flying around about the stag and hen do's which whizz over my head like bullets. I don't want to be here anymore but smile and look interested in things scanning my eye around the room and making small talk where I can.

Then there comes the buffet, an ongoing expanse of pizza fingers, mini sausages, onion bhaji's, cheese and pineapple and the standard issue ham, egg and tuna mayo sandwiches. The assorted masses devour the spread like they have been crawling across the Sahara for 3 weeks - in minutes it's decimated.

I weave about mingling without being bothered and bothering no-one - time for a cigarette with the groom - maybe a chance to have a chat. No chance, outside in the little covered area there's already a welcoming committee for him - there is at every turn for him and the bride and possibly rightly so but I can tell he's getting a little tired - after all, a day of being constantly hugged and slapped on the back it would be nice now just to have some time with friends and relax wouldn't it? Again, the assembled crowd are all tanked up and a random blonde points at me, her finger inches from my face and says to the groom 'Whose this?' The groom introduces me and within seconds she's already forgotten who I am - This doesn't bother me except I know that I will no doubt be introduced to her again in about half an hour - joy! I'll be counting the minutes.

After being introduced to some of the bride and grooms families who are all pleasant but really couldn't give a flying toss about who I am other than someone who has come to eat food they have paid for, I decide it's time to slip away. I say my goodbyes to the bride and groom and return to my car. My mind is running, there were times I dreamt of my wedding reception and how want it to be but who knows when or even if that will ever be and as I drive I hear the lyrics; the lyrics which couldn't be more apt.....

'But I won't cry for yesterday, there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find,
and as I try to find my way to the ordinary world, I know I will survive.......'

Have you tried to reboot it???

Well here I am again - I'm getting into this blogging malarky - as the nun at the sewing machine said 'This is becoming a habit'

I am beginning to get irritated by almost everything I own. My dear PC which is now as reliable as a crackhead stumbling down Holloway Road is getting on my wick.

There is a little nasty bug somewhere inside which Norton (acting like a stereotypical workman) can't do anything about other than constantly tell me about it. Norton pops up and says 'Alright chief - got a bit of a problem here I found something nasty' Me, being the typical 'saw you coming' customer goes 'Oh dear - can you fix it?' Whereupon Norton takes a sharp intake of breath over its teeth and goes 'Well, I can have a go but its the parts and labour see chief - tell you what, you have a cup of tea and I'll get back to you.........sometime.....maybe.......if I feel like'

So I carry on and a little while later Norton will interrupt me and say 'That problem's still here you know mate....' I scowl and say through gritted teeth 'FIX IT THEN!' 'Sorry mate I ain't got the parts on the van - tell you what I'll stick it to one side and we'll see how it goes eh?'

I call tech support........in Cali-fuckin-fornia and speak to a paid geek, drawling over his words and seeming totally impressed to be speaking to someone on the other side of the world, trying to make small talk to me about the weather and what time it is - look son, I couldn't really give a fuck if you're having a hurricane and you're currently strapped to a tree to stop yourself being blown to buggery - fix my bloody computer!!!

'OK well sir, the problem seems to be in you're root drive'
Me, having no idea what he's talking about but trying not to sound like I do, plays the conversational joker; making me sound like I know exactly what he means;
'Ahhhh I see, OK' This phrase makes you instantly sound more intelligent in these situations - try it!
'So,' I say sounding full of hope as this guy obviously knows what he's talking about 'How can you or I fix it?'
'Ah, well sir you see it's now causing a problem to the main operating system'
(Pause) 'OK.......so this means........???'
'Well in these instances it's probably best for you to format your hard drive and re-install Windows'
'Sorry, it sounded like you said I need to format my hard drive and put Windows back again'
'That's right'
'Hang on a minute, I need to totally wipe my PC and put windows back on' I'm saying this like I've just been told I have six months to live.....
'Well yeah' His nonchalance lights my touch paper.......
'Can I just point out that I bought your poxy programme to prevent this kind of thing?? My PC has an 80gb drive of which 70gb is being used!! why didn't your fucking thing prevent it?!?!?!?? So now I have to lose all my stuff just to fix this problem which YOU were supposed to prevent from happening in the first place!!!'

Despite my tirade he is un-flustered....git. He now thinks he can be helpful.......'You could back your files up'
'On what exactly?? The only thing I know of other than about 100 cd's that will hold that much memory is another PC which kind of negates me from fixing this one!!'
'Well that's your choice.....'
'So are you going to give me a refund and a copy of Windows then?'
'We can't refund you as we don't know what caused the problem - maybe you downloaded something that was infected...don't you have a Windows CD?'
'Look sunshine, even if I did download something your fucked up programme should have prevented it - LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO! and no I don't have a Windows CD - the computer came with it on it already.'
'Well there's nothing more I can suggest - you should be able to get a copy of Windows from your computer manufacturer'
'Hmm well thank you - you've been useless'
(missing the insult) 'Thank you for calling'

So now I await a nice e-mail from HP telling me that they will send me an XP disc. Harumph! If they don't then I guess I will just have to sweet talk my friend who works for them to source me a nice new cheap one - The saga continues...........

As a post script - don't worry I'm not contagious!!

Cheque please!!.......

I have an announcement; As of midday today I have formally opted out of being a member of 'The general public'. My reason for this is quite simple - I'm too intelligent. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not out on the piss most weekends with Stephen Hawking and Carol Vorderman but I'm smarter than the average bear.....

Today whist speaking to a customer of the bank I work for (please don't hate me - I have bills too you know!) I had a discussion which went like this.

'Good Morning X bank, Silver Hawk speaking, How can I help you?'
'Yes good morning, I have a problem with my Internet banking'
'OK' (presses mute 'then why don't you ring the number on Internet banking labelled 'help desk' you twat!?!?') 'Let's see if I can sort it out for you' (simper)
'Yes, I'm trying to pay money in'
'By Internet transfer you mean?'
'No by cheque - There isn't an option to chose 'paying in' - I can pay bills, and transfer money and stuff but I can't pay in'

By now the needle on my WTF!!!! Meter is off the scale

'Sorry, but did you say you're trying to pay money in????'
'That's right'
'Well...' (mute, deep breath, un-mute) 'You cant pay in via the Internet - it's impossible'
'Oh really? (sounding genuinely surprised by this) Why's that then?'
'Because the bank won't be in possession of the payment - you have no means of giving it to us'
'I Don't understand'
(mute) WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE NOT TO UNDERSTAND YOU PRICK??? - WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???? SCAN THE NOTES AND CHEQUES IN AND E-MAIL THEM TO US!!?!?!?!?!?) 'The bank won't receive the cheques to process and apply to your account'
'Even in this day and age?'
(As sarcastically as I can possibly get away with) 'Yes I'm afraid even in this digital age it's not possible - the bank still needs the cheque'
'Are there any plans to bring this in then - can I suggest it?'
(mute) Now you're just taking the piss now mate aren't you - what do you think this is, you make a suggestion that's completely fucking ludicrous and you win a car or something (un-mute) 'Errrrrmmm I doubt it - head office hasn't said anything about it' (mute chuckling at what I'm actually saying and being believed in)
'So how can I pay in then?'
(mute) Have you even had a bank account before - have you been in a coma or something???? (un-mute) 'Well you'd need to go to a branch.......'
'OK lovely - which one'
'Any one'
'Any one?'
'Yes any X bank branch'
'It has to be X bank then'
(mute) GIVE ME FUCKING STRENGTH!!! OF COURSE IT DOES YOU TWAT!!!!!! (un-mute) 'Yes.........(trying not to sound toooooo patronising and failing miserably) as your account is with us'
'OK I'll pop down later then'
(mute) I couldn't be less interested (un-mute) 'OK no problem'
'Well you've been very helpful - thank you so much'
(mute) And you've been just plain bloody stupid and will probably get lost on your way to your own branch (un-mute) 'My pleasure - goodbye!'

This customer was 32 years of age and wait for it...........is a teacher.

It's not the mouth it comes out of - it's the mind it goes into.....

This morning I was welcomed into work by the news from above that I was today going to get some 'On the job training'. This of course instantly filled my mind with an afternoon of pure carnal lust against the photocopier and an end to the current drought/hose pipe ban in place, sadly this was not the case.

I have a mind which is dirtier that a London street before Joseph Bazalgette designed and built London's sewers - seriously, you can get cholera off my thoughts - they really are absolute filth. Everyone I know seems to have no problem with this - I have after all, lasted the last 7 years in my job without being subjected to a disciplinary (fnar fnar) hearing.

I have what has been described as a 'lightning wit' and can I really be blamed if I just can't hold my tongue following others wandering into an innuendo minefield?? I've had a few nicknames because of this; one of the ones currently in circulation is 'Chandler' as I do not treat sarcasm as the lowest form of wit. An instant cutting retort is, in my mind, far more difficult to craft than some people can fathom. Cut to the office (Office random)'You seen the new girl? Jesus! what a growler!' (Me) 'Well I wouldn't say she was ugly but I've seen better faces on a clock' I can be caustic and venomous and have cut people down to size like a samurai - where deserved.

But now it seems a new nickname is forming - 'Quagmire'. Not a muddy pit signifying my deviant mind but after Glenn Quagmire from 'Family Guy' (Giggety!!) It's true - I can debase a conversation in seconds. Earlier on my friend Jo and I were returning into the building from the smoke shelter (god bless this nanny state!) It's raining, cue Jo.....

'Can we walk faster? I'm getting very wet and it will make my hair get curlier'
'Find me a woman that doesn't get curlier hair as she gets wetter - diddely boom TISSSSHHHHH!'

I have a new game that I play now, where I try to make Jo laugh out loud just as she's answering the phone at work - if you call us and all you can hear is a giggling girl claiming that she has something stuck in her throat (which is just further bait to me) - It's all my fault.....as the actress said to the bishop.

Tempus Fugit

I was sitting in the car this morning weaving through a throng of pedestrians and sadly missing all of them, when I realised something; a quarter of the year has gone - poof! disappeared!

Harumph! thinks I, so much for my new years resolutions then! Yes sad to say I have not yet discovered a cure for all known diseases, won the lottery, created world harmony, dispelled racism or engaged in sexual athletics with Rihanna (a particular disappointment the last one). On a more realistic level away from Planet Silver Hawk; I have started to eat a little healthier, I do take more walks and I don't drink as much as I (should) used to. Plus I have got off my (slightly firmer) ass and have started my master plan on career development - manager grade here I come!!

Do I feel better? Do I Bollocks!

So on reflection I think my new years resolution next year will be not to make any new years resolutions.........Oh fuuuuuuuuck!

(Too) Far From the Madding Crowd

It's been a long time since I lived in London, but there's times I want to move back. When I turned 18 after surpassing myself and 'not doing as well as I'd hoped' in my A-levels I packed up my stuff - Dick Whittington styleee and set to seek my fortune and get educated (HA HA HA) in London. A sprawling metropolis was going to be my new base, a place that hitherto had memories of day trips with my parents when I was just a lil kid - a big day out! On the TRAIN! How exciting! - So here's how it used to go; up at stupid o'clock to be at the station before 8, a three hour journey of my sister and I generally getting on each other's nerves kicking each other under the table, my mums bag becoming the one Mary Poppins had; producing sandwiches, drinks, games, magazines, a walkman the size of a Volvo that my sister used to listen to, umbrella's, maps etc etc etc. I used to wonder if she was part Sherpa....

So, we arrive in London Paddington and then the next adventure - the tube. Tickets bought my mum would impart her usual cautionary advice; 'If we get separated on the tube getting off - carry on to the next station get off and wait - don't talk to anyone - we will come and get you.' We would then go to our chosen destination for that day - The Science Museum, The National History Museum, The V&A Museum (do you see a pattern emerging here??). Lunch was ALWAYS at a pub that did a)Kids b)a cheese ploughman's for my sister - how she coped being a vegetarian in the 80's was and remains a mystery to me - she just never took to meat. Whipping round London was a whistle stop affair with Mum and Dad constantly scanning the urban landscape for any danger or bag snatcher within a 50 yard radius. Then, at 5.30 (always 5.30) the train home again. If we had been good we may go to the chippy on the way home.

Prior to my move at 18, I had drifted to London on my own and had much more relaxed times, comfortably ensconcing myself in carriage B as this was the glory days of when you could still smoke on a train and, at 17 to smoke in public was a big deal where I was from. I perceived myself as being deeply sophisticated and used to indulge myself in Earl Grey tea in Covent Garden, or something slightly harder in a random pub I would find on my travels. I would shop, meander and peruse the capital in ways I had never been able to before.

In Uni, I had made plans to complete my exploration of London, Ha! never happened - I spent my 5 years exploring London but not in the ways I had planned, London was alive! - I could club until ridiculous o'clock, get on a bus talking absolute rubbish to total strangers who used to chat equally banal drivel back to me, but when you're drunk, you've never agreed with someone more. Cut to Trafalgar Square around 4am and random girl pipes up 'I think pigeons are really lovely' 'Do you know what love!!? Your fucking right!!! They rock! I fuckin' love em! - Where you been tonight then etc etc etc.......' There was always a party to go to and never a lecture. We used to go out for dinner and midnight drives round the capital as and when the mood took us on a whim. I loved that you could still get a shop open at anytime of the night and no matter what time you went there it was always the same guy behind the counter. You could get food of any description either delivered or down your throat at stupid o'clock too.

But after 5 years and at the suggestion (flat instruction) of the girl in tow of the time (What was I thinking???) I flew the city. D'oh! Still, like a dirty rumour, I ended up back where I started. As much as every Londoner that I know who has ever come down to my corner of the world falls head over heels in love with the place, they always go back after the weekend - well, some didn't, but that's another story entirely.....

Down here the air is clean, there is no noise and the planes overhead are still at about 5000 feet not 50. Villagers nod acknowledgements in the street to strangers, I've left they keys to my car in the ignition, unlocked with the windows and sunroof open all night long and it was still there in the morning. I can walk into my local, drop my wallet, keys and phone down on the table and wander off to the bar knowing they'll be there when I get back. This stuns all my London friends. And don't get me started on the views, the last time most of my friends had a drink on a cliff top or a sandy beach and watched as the sun dissolved into the sea amidst mares tail clouds they were in the Med - I can do it almost every other day in summer - not showing off; that's just how it is.

So why then do I sometimes hanker after being crushed into a tube train wondering exactly whats inside that mans rucksack, where that pretty girl's going, why this prick next to me won't shut up??? I still want to be grossly over-charged for a round of drinks that will possibly involve selling a kidney to pay for. I want to sit pointlessly in traffic wondering why the hell I haven't moved in 10 minutes. I want to meet my friends on a Sunday morning for ludicrous coffee that goes cold too quickly. I know some of these thing could still be possible but my fonder memories involve my friends and how we lived at the time, some aren't around anymore (God rest them) and the ones that are have all got older - not so much wiser but older nonetheless and, like photos - we've all developed. We've become the people we were fighting off becoming as students - we've become.......grown ups.