What a tumultuous weekend.
This weekend I spent in the capital trying to see my daughter but because MCM decided that I need to fill in a form in triplicate and submit it for consideration a decade before I can actually arrange anything. This weekend was a bit of a lastminute.com affair with me only knowing 100% that I was going to make the trip on Thursday. I tried to let her know and got nothing but an answer machine, as I did on Friday....and Saturday. A red mist descends. I'm bloody furious as clearly she's done this out of sheer bloody mindedness as she KNOWS that I am coming and she certainly knows how difficult it is for me to just come up. Things take planning and more importantly - money.
The funding sourced it was all systems go, and yet, it was all stop. I stand in the street clenching and un-clenching my fists. I go to see her sister and get the kind of reception Hitler would get in Golders Green. OK, so that's how things are, I see. Well, never mind, you've clearly forgotten all the things I've done for you and the times I've bailed you out when you were stuck, but fine that's how it is. I retire to South-West burbs and meet up with my sister. I tell the story and she tells me a story and after toying with idea of Tesco's we both agree to say sod it and go to the pub - it is 4 pm.
My sister has certain things she is wrestling with and tells me about them and I offer what advice I can. We eat and drink and drink some more and then it would be rude to sit in a pub and not drink so we decide to have another drink. It's funny how 11 o'clock creeps up on you isn't it??
We return to her house after I have thought that its a REALLY good idea to text the heavenly body and tell her I love her. It's weird but as merry as I was I still felt totally compus mentus. I had to tell her and I'm glad I did but wasn't at all surprised I didn't receive an equally emotive message back.
I sleep a fitful and cold sleep woken at 5 am by the sun streaming in through the windows. I manage to return to a doze until about 7 am when my sisters housemate decided to go about the house in as much the same way as a bull elephant goes about evading capture. I lie there and watch 30 year old programmes on UK Gold as the clock ticks round to 9 am - I dress and make coffee feeling totally fine - my sister appears looking pail weary and wrecked and she quickly confirms this is the case. Bless her.
The day continues with me feeling totally lose endish and irritable and my sister either on the phone or wrestling with the reason that shes on the phone. My blood brother calls and we arrange a meet and I jump in the Cat and circle round to sexual to meet him I arrive half hour early and after doing some sums realise I can treat MLA to some new trainers which I source and buy - little white Nike classics with a pink tick - perfect.
I meet my bruv and we wander round the town and grab a burger and catch up and form plans and discuss forthcoming events. Whilst enjoying a coke with no ice but just lemon at what is now 3 pm on Sunday - I manage to locate and speak to MCM. I frostily inform her to meet me in an hour and we do. We have an exchange and after taking soundings as I drove round the north circular It is widely agreed on not to pursue my instincts and go off like a rocket but to remain calm but put my point across which with remarkable resolve I did.
MLA and I jump in the Cat and we purr off - but where? Where exactly is there to go? If it was 10 am we could have gone as daddy had planned to Kew Gardens and fed the ducks and watched the fish and played in the new kids area. There's no way on gods earth that's going to happen at this time of day. We go to the local park and we walk and chase birds and eat jaffa cakes and call Nana, Grandad and Auntie. I watch as her little face lights up as she hears their voices. It's heartbreaking but reassuring. After a while we find the play area and MLA enjoys the swings and the slide and the bouncers and plays with other kids, everyone of them under the watchful eye tantamount to inmates being watched by screws and I am no different.
2 hours have passed and MLA seems a little tired and bored with playing and I panic wondering what to do next but then as a drop of rain falls I decide that its time to return to the car. MCM calls and asks to pick up milk which I agree to and we return to the car and back to MCM's house. Her new beau now scarce and no longer am I subjected to the open displays of affection that I was treated to as they arrived. This did niggle me a little as I know that I was never used a little in that way. MCM was and is always very conscious of who and what is around and they impression that is given so this display was, I think mainly for my benefit which also angered me a little with MLA seeing me and at the same time MCM kissing another man. I addressed this with MCM later by phone and was told 'get used to it' and 'don't be so ridiculous - You never met my ex so there was never the opportunity but it would have been exactly the same' as Les Dennis was famous for saying - 'if it's up there I'll give you the money myself..........Eeeeeee-Urrrgggggh!' I once again advise MCM that all I want is harmony as none of need the grief. She'll consider it.
The next bit is a bit of a blur. This telephonic conversation took place you see on the M25 as I left MCM's to return for a pit-stop to my sisters before doing as the Pet Shop Boys did and Go West (life is peaceful there...etc etc etc) However it got round to it, the following conversation came up;
'Has MLA got her pooh bear?'
(quite matter of factly) 'No but you can get next time you're round there'
Eh? Why do you say that?
(sounding tired) 'Look it's none of my business who you are friends with; I'm not interested and I don't care so if you and (a certain person) are friends then its none of my business what you do or get up to, or anything - you and (a certain person) are your own people' my response was typically me;
'What?'
'Exactly what I said, I'm not overly happy about it and I've told you and (a certain person) about it but I cannot stop you being friends so do what you like, like I said its not my business.'
So now I don't know what to do. It's the statement I've been waiting for for weeks and months. Acceptance. But I just don't know what to do now. I know what I want to do. Answers on a post card please - first one out of the hat wins a bag of sweets or something.
So now I sit here with a cigar saying goodbye to an old friend - smoking. As of tomorrow I am a non-smoker and am going out a cloud of style. Any one wanna buy a lighter - one careful owner you know........
Monday, 19 May 2008
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Who said the age of chivalry is dead? I feel fine!
Today has been a most chivalrous one.
This morning I was in work (as usual) early so got everyone a drink while they were booting up their PC's which was nicely received. This was then followed by an e-mail from a branch manager or as they are more locally know - a demi god asking for my help on something - which I provided and within 5 minutes had a response from them thanking me profusely for what I had done and also sent an e-mail to my supervisor and my manager telling them how wonderful and helpful I was - cue Jimmy Carter 'colgate' smile.
Later this morning I was walking along with Rachel and I got to the door first and she waited for me to go through and we both stood there for a few seconds which felt like an hour in total stalemate until I said 'Come on Rach - ladies first!!' 'Why thank you' she beamed. 'Who said the age of chivalry is dead eh?' I said 'Shivery? Are you cold in those shorts??' No dear, CHIVALRY erm.... you know... er.... gentlemanly' 'Why didn't you just say gentlemanly?' 'Cos it's chivalry!!!' I said and grinned.
The rest of the day passed relatively uneventfully other than my NVQ assessor telling me how wonderful I am and will fly through my assessment.
But then comes the piece de resistance of my chivalrous acts today. Whilst driving home I was sitting in traffic on the dual carriageway and happened to glance onto the other carriageway where a girl in her mid twenties stood on the pavement next to a dead Corsa hazards slowly blinking and her frantically running her hands through her hair and punching numbers into her phone. The traffic moving in to town is, in minutes as thick as the traffic heading out of it caught behind her stricken car. My light change and I drive down the road glancing back and seeing her standing there still quite crest fallen and getting irate looks from motorists as they circumnavigate her car in the first lane. I get 200 yards down the road and swing the Cat into the next left yank round the wheel and am now going in the opposite direction I eventually find a place to park and lock up the Cat and stroll to where shes been standing for a good 15 minutes since I first saw her and in that time no-one has stopped or offered help. shes chewing on a nail and still clutching her phone and running her hand through her hair, shes shaking a little.
'Er are you stuck?' I say and smile she turns and her tense eyes immediately soften on seeing that someone has actually bothered to ask.
'It just died on me and I can't push it out of the way cos I'm 4 months pregnant! my boyfriends got his mobile off and my parents are still at work!' She's clearly a bit shaken and at her wits end and clearly the last thing she needs right now.
'I've got a powerpack in my car - may be able to get it going enough to move it?'
'Oh that would be wonderful - is your car far??' she asks is if questioning if this was really happening
'No just there, give me a minute'
I return with the powerpack and attach the leads to the battery on her little dead car and she jumps in and tries it but the poor little car just will not start.
'Jump in' I said 'You can't leave it where it is, they drive like nuts on this road and it's a sitting duck where it is.' So in the middle of the busiest road in town with trucks, buses and cars screaming inches past me I start to push the car. She starts by trying to help push but I insist she gets in and steers while I push. I shove the car to safety and she is thanking me profusely she's still thanking me when her boyfriend pulls up and he starts thanking me profusely as well.
I return to the Cat and we purr away with waves exchanged. As I drive away I reflect on what happened. Not one person in this metropolis stopped to help apart from me yet while I pushed Navy cadets walked passed and a police patrol car also passed as did various pedestrians. Not one person helped. Has the milk of human kindness really turned so sour?
I stopped not because as I'm sure some would suggest she was a twenty something blond, but because I've been in that situation. I've stood at the side of the road and watched and cursed the car which is essentially my life line, die. I've been the one that has been beeped and cursed through windows for adding another 2 minutes to someone else's journey. It's a lonely and scary feeling and I don't like feeling like that and I don't like to know others are feeling like that when I could have helped.
I once turned the car round as I noticed a man lying face down in the middle of a car park, I'm a first aider and for all I know he could have had a heart attack but no body seemed bothered - it turns out he was in fact blind drunk and thought that it was a good place to sleep but he thanked me for showing concern. I've stopped to see if can help at road accidents, I've called ambulances and given first aid to an old man who collapsed at a bus stop. I could not drive by and ignore someones distress call, yet sadly it appears these days more people do.
My grandfather didn't smoke but always carried a lighter in case someone asked him for a light in the street. My father who is also a first aider administered CPR to a dear family friend and stayed with him talking to him until the ambulance came following a heart attack - he was devastated to learn that as well as he seemed as he was taken into the ambulance he had another massive heart attack en route to the hospital and died.
We hear these days sadly of acts of compassion and heroism when an attack is made on a capital such as 9/11 and 7/7 yet some people face personal tragedies every day so I leave you with this thought if it was you wouldn't you want someone to help?
This morning I was in work (as usual) early so got everyone a drink while they were booting up their PC's which was nicely received. This was then followed by an e-mail from a branch manager or as they are more locally know - a demi god asking for my help on something - which I provided and within 5 minutes had a response from them thanking me profusely for what I had done and also sent an e-mail to my supervisor and my manager telling them how wonderful and helpful I was - cue Jimmy Carter 'colgate' smile.
Later this morning I was walking along with Rachel and I got to the door first and she waited for me to go through and we both stood there for a few seconds which felt like an hour in total stalemate until I said 'Come on Rach - ladies first!!' 'Why thank you' she beamed. 'Who said the age of chivalry is dead eh?' I said 'Shivery? Are you cold in those shorts??' No dear, CHIVALRY erm.... you know... er.... gentlemanly' 'Why didn't you just say gentlemanly?' 'Cos it's chivalry!!!' I said and grinned.
The rest of the day passed relatively uneventfully other than my NVQ assessor telling me how wonderful I am and will fly through my assessment.
But then comes the piece de resistance of my chivalrous acts today. Whilst driving home I was sitting in traffic on the dual carriageway and happened to glance onto the other carriageway where a girl in her mid twenties stood on the pavement next to a dead Corsa hazards slowly blinking and her frantically running her hands through her hair and punching numbers into her phone. The traffic moving in to town is, in minutes as thick as the traffic heading out of it caught behind her stricken car. My light change and I drive down the road glancing back and seeing her standing there still quite crest fallen and getting irate looks from motorists as they circumnavigate her car in the first lane. I get 200 yards down the road and swing the Cat into the next left yank round the wheel and am now going in the opposite direction I eventually find a place to park and lock up the Cat and stroll to where shes been standing for a good 15 minutes since I first saw her and in that time no-one has stopped or offered help. shes chewing on a nail and still clutching her phone and running her hand through her hair, shes shaking a little.
'Er are you stuck?' I say and smile she turns and her tense eyes immediately soften on seeing that someone has actually bothered to ask.
'It just died on me and I can't push it out of the way cos I'm 4 months pregnant! my boyfriends got his mobile off and my parents are still at work!' She's clearly a bit shaken and at her wits end and clearly the last thing she needs right now.
'I've got a powerpack in my car - may be able to get it going enough to move it?'
'Oh that would be wonderful - is your car far??' she asks is if questioning if this was really happening
'No just there, give me a minute'
I return with the powerpack and attach the leads to the battery on her little dead car and she jumps in and tries it but the poor little car just will not start.
'Jump in' I said 'You can't leave it where it is, they drive like nuts on this road and it's a sitting duck where it is.' So in the middle of the busiest road in town with trucks, buses and cars screaming inches past me I start to push the car. She starts by trying to help push but I insist she gets in and steers while I push. I shove the car to safety and she is thanking me profusely she's still thanking me when her boyfriend pulls up and he starts thanking me profusely as well.
I return to the Cat and we purr away with waves exchanged. As I drive away I reflect on what happened. Not one person in this metropolis stopped to help apart from me yet while I pushed Navy cadets walked passed and a police patrol car also passed as did various pedestrians. Not one person helped. Has the milk of human kindness really turned so sour?
I stopped not because as I'm sure some would suggest she was a twenty something blond, but because I've been in that situation. I've stood at the side of the road and watched and cursed the car which is essentially my life line, die. I've been the one that has been beeped and cursed through windows for adding another 2 minutes to someone else's journey. It's a lonely and scary feeling and I don't like feeling like that and I don't like to know others are feeling like that when I could have helped.
I once turned the car round as I noticed a man lying face down in the middle of a car park, I'm a first aider and for all I know he could have had a heart attack but no body seemed bothered - it turns out he was in fact blind drunk and thought that it was a good place to sleep but he thanked me for showing concern. I've stopped to see if can help at road accidents, I've called ambulances and given first aid to an old man who collapsed at a bus stop. I could not drive by and ignore someones distress call, yet sadly it appears these days more people do.
My grandfather didn't smoke but always carried a lighter in case someone asked him for a light in the street. My father who is also a first aider administered CPR to a dear family friend and stayed with him talking to him until the ambulance came following a heart attack - he was devastated to learn that as well as he seemed as he was taken into the ambulance he had another massive heart attack en route to the hospital and died.
We hear these days sadly of acts of compassion and heroism when an attack is made on a capital such as 9/11 and 7/7 yet some people face personal tragedies every day so I leave you with this thought if it was you wouldn't you want someone to help?
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Now hear this.....
I think it was the great philosopher from the 70's a certain Ms Gloria Gaynor who once said and I quote:
I am what I am I am my own special creation
So come take a look Give me the hook Or the ovation
It's my world That I want to have a little pride in, My world And it's not a place I have to hide in Life's not worth a dam Till I can say I am what I am
I am what I am I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham Till you can shout out I am what I am
I am what I am And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out I am what I am
I am I am I am good
I am I am I am strong
I am I am I am worthy
I am I am I belong
I am I am Who whoooo etc.
I am I am I am I am useful
I am I am I am true
I am I am somebody
I am as good as you Yes I am
Now don't get me wrong I'm not coming out or anything - far from it as anyone who knows me will tell you - there may be a drought but I'll wait for Evian rather than drinking my own if you get me? But today I thought - Fuck this shit! I am SICK and TIRED of being made to feel like crap not least by me and I am not going to do it anymore! Yes I may stumble, yes I may fall and graze myself but the above is true - I AM what I am and what I am needs NO excuses - if you don't like it - Fuck off.
In other news, I am frankly surpassing myself in seeing how much I can actually get away with not doing at work - I am so mind numbingly bored I sat and watched as a poster slowly peeled itself away from the wall and fell down and I was so totally mesmerised I could do nothing else but sit there and mentally goad it on! That said nothing out of the ordinary sat and talked the usual bollocks and made Lindsay blush as I read an article in Cosmo about Rihanna and then proceeded to tell Lindsay exactly what I thought of (doing to) Rihanna. The only other highlight was a particularly impure thought about a recent event and the preceding conversations that led up to it.
A delightful walk, a shower and more of my orally amazing chille and all I need is a cold pint of Bow - which incidentally I haven't got, and this hasn't been a bad day.
Nil Desperandum.
I am what I am I am my own special creation
So come take a look Give me the hook Or the ovation
It's my world That I want to have a little pride in, My world And it's not a place I have to hide in Life's not worth a dam Till I can say I am what I am
I am what I am I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham Till you can shout out I am what I am
I am what I am And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out I am what I am
I am I am I am good
I am I am I am strong
I am I am I am worthy
I am I am I belong
I am I am Who whoooo etc.
I am I am I am I am useful
I am I am I am true
I am I am somebody
I am as good as you Yes I am
Now don't get me wrong I'm not coming out or anything - far from it as anyone who knows me will tell you - there may be a drought but I'll wait for Evian rather than drinking my own if you get me? But today I thought - Fuck this shit! I am SICK and TIRED of being made to feel like crap not least by me and I am not going to do it anymore! Yes I may stumble, yes I may fall and graze myself but the above is true - I AM what I am and what I am needs NO excuses - if you don't like it - Fuck off.
In other news, I am frankly surpassing myself in seeing how much I can actually get away with not doing at work - I am so mind numbingly bored I sat and watched as a poster slowly peeled itself away from the wall and fell down and I was so totally mesmerised I could do nothing else but sit there and mentally goad it on! That said nothing out of the ordinary sat and talked the usual bollocks and made Lindsay blush as I read an article in Cosmo about Rihanna and then proceeded to tell Lindsay exactly what I thought of (doing to) Rihanna. The only other highlight was a particularly impure thought about a recent event and the preceding conversations that led up to it.
A delightful walk, a shower and more of my orally amazing chille and all I need is a cold pint of Bow - which incidentally I haven't got, and this hasn't been a bad day.
Nil Desperandum.
Monday, 12 May 2008
Boom! Crash! - Subterrainean
I sit here with tears. The pain that I'm feeling right now is hard and cold. I have just returned from my mums from having dinner and she showed me some pictures of MLA and I had to choke back tears, a lump in my throat so big I could hardly breathe - I miss her so much and every day kills me. I had to be strong for my mother. I have to lead by example but how strong can I be when I feel so miserable?
I love MLA with all my heart and she is my world; but at the same time worlds apart. I've already missed so many things in her life and I know without knowingly being aware of it I will miss so much more.
Every day I give the best performance of my life but it's hard work - it's hard to go through the day behaving like there's nothing wrong while all the time a picture of the one you miss most smiles back at you from your desk.
I give the impression of granite but I feel like chalk. How long can I feel like this? How long can I go missing her so? How long can I be her daddy?
I want to have a special MLA and daddy cuddle and see her smiling face and hear her little laugh as I blow raspberries on her neck making her squeal with laughter, but I know I can't and won't for a good while. How long can I die without feeling death?
I love MLA with all my heart and she is my world; but at the same time worlds apart. I've already missed so many things in her life and I know without knowingly being aware of it I will miss so much more.
Every day I give the best performance of my life but it's hard work - it's hard to go through the day behaving like there's nothing wrong while all the time a picture of the one you miss most smiles back at you from your desk.
I give the impression of granite but I feel like chalk. How long can I feel like this? How long can I go missing her so? How long can I be her daddy?
I want to have a special MLA and daddy cuddle and see her smiling face and hear her little laugh as I blow raspberries on her neck making her squeal with laughter, but I know I can't and won't for a good while. How long can I die without feeling death?
Sunday, 11 May 2008
After the storm - calm is restored.
Nice day isn't it? I am feeling much better again :o)
As much as I am still niggled by a varying multitude of things I am resolute not to let them drag me down. I had a strange encounter today where my friend came over for coffee - it's funny we haven't done that for months yet it used to be a regular thing - we go way way back and she is a great mate but she is, if anything, in a worse dilemma to myself - she and her ex partner have obviously by the presence of the prefix 'ex' split up but they have a shared house, mortgage and child together yet live separate lives in the same world but remains somewhat sane. I'm glad that I can take her mind of things for an hour or so. Consider my good deed for the day done and to an extent so has hers.
As she arrived and I put the kettle on and it was weird as the last time we had coffee both our situations were exactly as they are now - the last 12 months don't seem to have happened at all! I even joked by starting our chat 'Now where were we....'
I took my mums dog for a walk and we had a nice little stroll with her sniffing and rummaging in the undergrowth all the way - so instead of my usual 'Terminator' stride it was very much a perambulation today.
Very little else I want to share at the moment other than this; there is nothing NOTHING quite like experiencing watching or being present at the one you love falling asleep at the end of the day. There's a quite indescribable feeling of being the last person you speak to and the last person being with you guarding you into the night. Slushy? maybe, but sue me; I don't care. I'm a romantic and ever will be and if that's so bad then shoot me now, because if that's so wrong then I don't want to be right.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.........
As much as I am still niggled by a varying multitude of things I am resolute not to let them drag me down. I had a strange encounter today where my friend came over for coffee - it's funny we haven't done that for months yet it used to be a regular thing - we go way way back and she is a great mate but she is, if anything, in a worse dilemma to myself - she and her ex partner have obviously by the presence of the prefix 'ex' split up but they have a shared house, mortgage and child together yet live separate lives in the same world but remains somewhat sane. I'm glad that I can take her mind of things for an hour or so. Consider my good deed for the day done and to an extent so has hers.
As she arrived and I put the kettle on and it was weird as the last time we had coffee both our situations were exactly as they are now - the last 12 months don't seem to have happened at all! I even joked by starting our chat 'Now where were we....'
I took my mums dog for a walk and we had a nice little stroll with her sniffing and rummaging in the undergrowth all the way - so instead of my usual 'Terminator' stride it was very much a perambulation today.
Very little else I want to share at the moment other than this; there is nothing NOTHING quite like experiencing watching or being present at the one you love falling asleep at the end of the day. There's a quite indescribable feeling of being the last person you speak to and the last person being with you guarding you into the night. Slushy? maybe, but sue me; I don't care. I'm a romantic and ever will be and if that's so bad then shoot me now, because if that's so wrong then I don't want to be right.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.........
Friday, 9 May 2008
Odysseus
As I sit writing this a handful of thunder storms congregate over the house. I love thunderstorms and have been watching a streaks of electricity shoot across the sky freezing everything for a split second in an energy charged strobe. There are about 3 storms circulating, 1 with sheet lightning and the other 2 with forked. The weather is an irony to how I feel.
I'm miserable and as the rain beats against the window and the energy surges through the skies releasing its power. The storms are right overhead and are gaining in their ferocity, I'm actually quite surprised I don't have a migraine as my head is like a barometer.
Things are not going well, I fell like an amputee, even after the limb has gone they say they can still feel twitches and tingles in the part that isn't there - they can still feel what they have lost. I was angry earlier - so angry I could feel the heat of my blood in my veins but I took a deep breath, I had a glass of water and a cigarette and turned off my brain and watched TV but if you asked me what was on I honestly couldn't tell you. MCM is becoming more than a slight irritation. Without being vulgar and divulging certain details of arrangements, I feel that yet again I am being taken for a mug. What irritates me is her total inability to see beyond her sphere or orbit. Anything beyond a 6 foot radius gets ignored. She maintains her happiness and bugger everyone else's though lest you try to be happy - no no no that will never do. She owes me and I am not going to sit down and get the piss taken out of me like a dialysis machine anymore. She hears but doesn't want to listen and as much as I have been accused of playing games and dirty tricks, she casually forgets that she has made several threats to me the result of which is doubtful that I would walk, or even crawl for that matter, away from. As a member of staff for my bank I have access to a safety deposit box which I have made arrangements to start using. It will contain a few letters, One to MLA to be sent to her on her 18th Birthday and various others to people I care about and to a lesser extent I hope care about me. I fear but will never show that crack in my facade as to do so is weakness.
According to astrology my star sign is linked to Odysseus. The victor of the Trojan War, a noble and honourable man who fought for what he believed. A man whom despite a 20 year absence from his wife, upon his return slayed her suitors who had usurped him in Ithaca. The war may be in progress but I do not intend to be a casualty.
I place a lot of faith in astrology and am typical of my sign. My Aquarian traits are as follows:
strong-willed
opinionated
far-sighted / visionary
innovative / inventive
tolerant / unprejudiced / objective
rebellious
laid-back
empathetic
imaginative
humane / humanitarian
genial / friendly / sociable
idealistic
remote / detached / aloof
intuitive
devoted to their goals
free-spirited / rebellious
frank / outspoken
independent / individualistic
intelligent / intellectual
leading / trend setting
patient
engaging
unpredictable
eccentric / unconventional
temperamental
resentful
enigmatic / magnetic
progressive
unemotional / cold
One type of Aquarius person can be shy, gentle and patient. The other type is more enthusiastic and exhibitionist.
Likes
friendship, freedom, intellectual stimulation, camaraderie, surprises, companionship, feeling understood, emotional safety.
Dislikes
jealousy, possessiveness, control, ego plays, pointless meetings, narrow-mindedness, being ridiculed, routines, fighting/violence, inequality, being taken for granted.
All in all not a bad package really is it? The storms have passed and the changing pressure is giving me a mild headache so I shall leave this here and return soon.
Only the heavens have brighter stars......
I'm miserable and as the rain beats against the window and the energy surges through the skies releasing its power. The storms are right overhead and are gaining in their ferocity, I'm actually quite surprised I don't have a migraine as my head is like a barometer.
Things are not going well, I fell like an amputee, even after the limb has gone they say they can still feel twitches and tingles in the part that isn't there - they can still feel what they have lost. I was angry earlier - so angry I could feel the heat of my blood in my veins but I took a deep breath, I had a glass of water and a cigarette and turned off my brain and watched TV but if you asked me what was on I honestly couldn't tell you. MCM is becoming more than a slight irritation. Without being vulgar and divulging certain details of arrangements, I feel that yet again I am being taken for a mug. What irritates me is her total inability to see beyond her sphere or orbit. Anything beyond a 6 foot radius gets ignored. She maintains her happiness and bugger everyone else's though lest you try to be happy - no no no that will never do. She owes me and I am not going to sit down and get the piss taken out of me like a dialysis machine anymore. She hears but doesn't want to listen and as much as I have been accused of playing games and dirty tricks, she casually forgets that she has made several threats to me the result of which is doubtful that I would walk, or even crawl for that matter, away from. As a member of staff for my bank I have access to a safety deposit box which I have made arrangements to start using. It will contain a few letters, One to MLA to be sent to her on her 18th Birthday and various others to people I care about and to a lesser extent I hope care about me. I fear but will never show that crack in my facade as to do so is weakness.
According to astrology my star sign is linked to Odysseus. The victor of the Trojan War, a noble and honourable man who fought for what he believed. A man whom despite a 20 year absence from his wife, upon his return slayed her suitors who had usurped him in Ithaca. The war may be in progress but I do not intend to be a casualty.
I place a lot of faith in astrology and am typical of my sign. My Aquarian traits are as follows:
strong-willed
opinionated
far-sighted / visionary
innovative / inventive
tolerant / unprejudiced / objective
rebellious
laid-back
empathetic
imaginative
humane / humanitarian
genial / friendly / sociable
idealistic
remote / detached / aloof
intuitive
devoted to their goals
free-spirited / rebellious
frank / outspoken
independent / individualistic
intelligent / intellectual
leading / trend setting
patient
engaging
unpredictable
eccentric / unconventional
temperamental
resentful
enigmatic / magnetic
progressive
unemotional / cold
One type of Aquarius person can be shy, gentle and patient. The other type is more enthusiastic and exhibitionist.
Likes
friendship, freedom, intellectual stimulation, camaraderie, surprises, companionship, feeling understood, emotional safety.
Dislikes
jealousy, possessiveness, control, ego plays, pointless meetings, narrow-mindedness, being ridiculed, routines, fighting/violence, inequality, being taken for granted.
All in all not a bad package really is it? The storms have passed and the changing pressure is giving me a mild headache so I shall leave this here and return soon.
Only the heavens have brighter stars......
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
Icarus
For the first time in a while I felt truly beastly about myself today. Despite my new found or rather renewed exultant confidence I think it may have come as a culture shock - not least to me.
I allowed my confidence to blinker me to other aspects and results. Like Icarus I wanted to realise my dreams but did not consider the implications. You can and should follow your dreams but you also need to remember that in achieving them you could get hurt. I flew close to the sun, I basked in its warm and rewarding glow never considering that things could come unstuck.
Part of my new found confidence is obviously as a result of the parting of MCM and myself, well that's not strictly true - its probably all down to that. I know I'm preaching to the choir here but when you break up with someone you can go 2 ways - you can sit and reflect and bawl your eyes out listening to the songs that held significant memories for you both and happier times - never more will that be 'our song' - from that day forth it will be the 'lump in my throat' or 'something in my eye song'. The alternative is to pick yourself up - dust yourself down and go 'Hmmm well that was interesting - what does life hold for me next I wonder?' Where once I was the former I am now the latter.
For a long while I have felt like the ships in Southampton harbour as the Titanic sailed passed off on its first and last journey. As grace and majesty swept passed, they strained hard on their hawsers wanting to get near to the beauty nearby. I was one of those ships but although I strained and fought against the draw, I remained firmly tethered and harboured in port. Those hawsers have slipped into the waters now or snapped after being nibbled away by rot and rats. Now I am free to sail out into the wide blue seas and embark on a voyage of discovery.
The sun has shone and maybe just maybe summer is here - or maybe that was all it was going to be - I adore the sun at the moment - my eyes are cleared and everyday these days I walk and pound the streets in my oh so pristine Nikes. This evening I needed to get money from the cash point in the next village but instead of jumping in the car as I am so akin to do I put my joggers on laced up my Nikes and popped on my MP3. There are times when I walk and am so happy I feel I could fly. I know that may sound strange but I just feel serene and euphoric and as i look at the scenery around me I could soar up and glide over it like a bird. I feel that if I tripped I could head toward the floor and miss it completely. I know why I'm happy and what makes me feel that way.
This evening's walk took in the cycle track which was once a railway line that weaves through my village and meanders its way to the sea. As the sun lazily started it's decent on the world I was surrounded with meadows of bluebells, paddocks with horses and foals, red campions, trickling streams and solitude. That's what gets to me sometimes - why can't I share this with the one I want?
Icarus pursued his dreams and got lost in the moment, I do not intend to make the same mistake. I fully intend to pursue and follow my dreams - it has long since been known that I have a dogged and dedicated nature but I go forward with the knowledge that all things must be considered and respected.
I will get the job I want, I will be true to my words with equally effective actions, I will always be there and provide for MLA, I will not allow others to rain on my parade unless there is justifiable reason and finally I will follow my heart and my head and I will never give up hope on the one I truly love.
'Oh I am what I am and I do what I want,
But I can't hide
I wont go, I won't sleep
I can't breathe until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave and I can't hide
I cannot be until you're resting here with me'
- Dido
I allowed my confidence to blinker me to other aspects and results. Like Icarus I wanted to realise my dreams but did not consider the implications. You can and should follow your dreams but you also need to remember that in achieving them you could get hurt. I flew close to the sun, I basked in its warm and rewarding glow never considering that things could come unstuck.
Part of my new found confidence is obviously as a result of the parting of MCM and myself, well that's not strictly true - its probably all down to that. I know I'm preaching to the choir here but when you break up with someone you can go 2 ways - you can sit and reflect and bawl your eyes out listening to the songs that held significant memories for you both and happier times - never more will that be 'our song' - from that day forth it will be the 'lump in my throat' or 'something in my eye song'. The alternative is to pick yourself up - dust yourself down and go 'Hmmm well that was interesting - what does life hold for me next I wonder?' Where once I was the former I am now the latter.
For a long while I have felt like the ships in Southampton harbour as the Titanic sailed passed off on its first and last journey. As grace and majesty swept passed, they strained hard on their hawsers wanting to get near to the beauty nearby. I was one of those ships but although I strained and fought against the draw, I remained firmly tethered and harboured in port. Those hawsers have slipped into the waters now or snapped after being nibbled away by rot and rats. Now I am free to sail out into the wide blue seas and embark on a voyage of discovery.
The sun has shone and maybe just maybe summer is here - or maybe that was all it was going to be - I adore the sun at the moment - my eyes are cleared and everyday these days I walk and pound the streets in my oh so pristine Nikes. This evening I needed to get money from the cash point in the next village but instead of jumping in the car as I am so akin to do I put my joggers on laced up my Nikes and popped on my MP3. There are times when I walk and am so happy I feel I could fly. I know that may sound strange but I just feel serene and euphoric and as i look at the scenery around me I could soar up and glide over it like a bird. I feel that if I tripped I could head toward the floor and miss it completely. I know why I'm happy and what makes me feel that way.
This evening's walk took in the cycle track which was once a railway line that weaves through my village and meanders its way to the sea. As the sun lazily started it's decent on the world I was surrounded with meadows of bluebells, paddocks with horses and foals, red campions, trickling streams and solitude. That's what gets to me sometimes - why can't I share this with the one I want?
Icarus pursued his dreams and got lost in the moment, I do not intend to make the same mistake. I fully intend to pursue and follow my dreams - it has long since been known that I have a dogged and dedicated nature but I go forward with the knowledge that all things must be considered and respected.
I will get the job I want, I will be true to my words with equally effective actions, I will always be there and provide for MLA, I will not allow others to rain on my parade unless there is justifiable reason and finally I will follow my heart and my head and I will never give up hope on the one I truly love.
'Oh I am what I am and I do what I want,
But I can't hide
I wont go, I won't sleep
I can't breathe until you're resting here with me
And I won't leave and I can't hide
I cannot be until you're resting here with me'
- Dido
Sunday, 4 May 2008
Who are you looking at?
I've been feeling quite reflective over the last few days. They say a week is a long time in politics and given the politics of my life of late I can testify to that.
So whats been happening? Well, as you'll see from my previous post the week started on a real high - granted over the weekend there were a few drops into a subterranean quagmire but on the whole a good weekend. I spend quality time with MLA and a heavenly body, I caught up with my sister and confessed all and she did likewise, I caught up with my 'bruvva' which was long overdue and also caught up with a friend I haven't seen for close on 8 years. Good. A bit of me time - lovin' it!
So also this week I took my first steps to professional greatness and submitted my application to become dare I say it....Management and perhaps more masochistically; in London. Don't get me wrong I can do the job but whereas most of my peers nee anyone who has ever aspired to the role I have applied for would probably elect to start provincially and then move to London for 'the big time' I have, or rather needed to start there. London is not daunting to me - a lot of my friends round here are daunted by London - it's big and noisy and apparently everyone carries a gun/knife/your spleen.
I am excited and perhaps a little apprehensive about the move, as much as I can't wait to get there, there's always the apprehension of moving out of your comfort zone. I know everyone and everything down here, it's cheap and pleasant. But that's just it - sometimes I am bored beyond belief! I want the buzz of city life again the adrenaline rush, the 24 hour culture, the ability to do and see anyone or anything at any time.
In addition to the application I have been getting a lot of very encouraging support from senior management locally who have advised they will do 'all they can to help' which is a very alien feeling if I'm honest. My previous manager would always be quite scornful towards career progression for their underlings adopting the mentality of 'Look it took me 20 years to get where I am and by Christ it will take you the same time' My new manager is 'Oh, you want to progress? I'm really pleased that you want to do that - what can I do to help?'
Additionally this week I went to the gym - and didn't die! On the contrary after an hour and a half I was still able to drive home afterwards. Considering I have not set foot in a gym in about 10 years for me to go in, jump on a cross trainer and do 10 minutes from start and not hit the 'STOP' button I was rather pleased with myself - this then was followed by various stints on machines with weights and pulleys and things which again was fine. I was a little smug when the induction chap said 'Now this will develop your calf's' and then I pulled up my legs of my joggers and showed him my calf's whereupon he said 'ah well, you can skip that one' Get in!
I have also been to the Dr and have been prescribed pills to make me stop smoking. Hmmm still a little apprehensive about that and although I have had them since Friday they remain unopened. Please don't think me a bad person but I have smoked for 14 years and at my worst I was on 60 a day (running a pub can do that to you) it is kind of my only vice and I must confess I do enjoy it. I was asked by a devout non-smoking friend recently - why do you enjoy it? It'll kill you! Well the same can be said of Coke heads, bungee jumpers and people that support Arsenal. You don't know why you enjoy it but you do. However I do keep remembering the face of the heavenly body telling me that I really should give up and that inspires me just as much as the time I saw MLA put one of my fags in her mouth once trying to copy daddy - not good. However these pills, as with every other comes with a leaflet, this leaflet is more of a novel akin to Tolstoy. Some of the effects I can look forward to are:
So whats been happening? Well, as you'll see from my previous post the week started on a real high - granted over the weekend there were a few drops into a subterranean quagmire but on the whole a good weekend. I spend quality time with MLA and a heavenly body, I caught up with my sister and confessed all and she did likewise, I caught up with my 'bruvva' which was long overdue and also caught up with a friend I haven't seen for close on 8 years. Good. A bit of me time - lovin' it!
So also this week I took my first steps to professional greatness and submitted my application to become dare I say it....Management and perhaps more masochistically; in London. Don't get me wrong I can do the job but whereas most of my peers nee anyone who has ever aspired to the role I have applied for would probably elect to start provincially and then move to London for 'the big time' I have, or rather needed to start there. London is not daunting to me - a lot of my friends round here are daunted by London - it's big and noisy and apparently everyone carries a gun/knife/your spleen.
I am excited and perhaps a little apprehensive about the move, as much as I can't wait to get there, there's always the apprehension of moving out of your comfort zone. I know everyone and everything down here, it's cheap and pleasant. But that's just it - sometimes I am bored beyond belief! I want the buzz of city life again the adrenaline rush, the 24 hour culture, the ability to do and see anyone or anything at any time.
In addition to the application I have been getting a lot of very encouraging support from senior management locally who have advised they will do 'all they can to help' which is a very alien feeling if I'm honest. My previous manager would always be quite scornful towards career progression for their underlings adopting the mentality of 'Look it took me 20 years to get where I am and by Christ it will take you the same time' My new manager is 'Oh, you want to progress? I'm really pleased that you want to do that - what can I do to help?'
Additionally this week I went to the gym - and didn't die! On the contrary after an hour and a half I was still able to drive home afterwards. Considering I have not set foot in a gym in about 10 years for me to go in, jump on a cross trainer and do 10 minutes from start and not hit the 'STOP' button I was rather pleased with myself - this then was followed by various stints on machines with weights and pulleys and things which again was fine. I was a little smug when the induction chap said 'Now this will develop your calf's' and then I pulled up my legs of my joggers and showed him my calf's whereupon he said 'ah well, you can skip that one' Get in!
I have also been to the Dr and have been prescribed pills to make me stop smoking. Hmmm still a little apprehensive about that and although I have had them since Friday they remain unopened. Please don't think me a bad person but I have smoked for 14 years and at my worst I was on 60 a day (running a pub can do that to you) it is kind of my only vice and I must confess I do enjoy it. I was asked by a devout non-smoking friend recently - why do you enjoy it? It'll kill you! Well the same can be said of Coke heads, bungee jumpers and people that support Arsenal. You don't know why you enjoy it but you do. However I do keep remembering the face of the heavenly body telling me that I really should give up and that inspires me just as much as the time I saw MLA put one of my fags in her mouth once trying to copy daddy - not good. However these pills, as with every other comes with a leaflet, this leaflet is more of a novel akin to Tolstoy. Some of the effects I can look forward to are:
- Headaches
- Difficulty sleeping (no change there)
- Nausea
- Increased appetite
- Tiredness (contradicts above??)
- Vomiting and diarrhoea
- Chest infections
- Fever and flu-like symptoms
- Loss of appetite(??? see above)
- Panic attacks
- Shakes and co-ordination problems
- Heart beat irregularity
- Distorted vision
- Ringing in the ears
- Blood in vomit
- Ulcers
- Chest pain and joint pain
- Increased urination and perhaps worst of all......
- Changes in sex drive or ability(!!!!!!)
Now forgive me but that does seem a lot to go through to pack in the fags doesn't it? and I'm told the fags will kill me!! - Christ that little lot is enough to make death sound appealing! But, I am determined to do it so I will try but I warn you now its only what I'm going through - I don't really want to kill you and I probably won't so please don't panic when I tell you I will.
I apologise for a little bit of a straight laced entry today - no doubt something/one will piss me off or inspire me to inject my usual brand of cynicism or acidic sarcasm this week. Especially if I do stop smoking, I wonder if they have the net in prison.........?
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